Adjusting to the back-to-school transition with our teenage sons
Tips to minimize family disruption during this time of year
It should not surprise you that, as someone who completed 6 additional school years AFTER college, I tend to enjoy back-to-school. Of course I love summer, but as a lifelong student and as a mom, I like the new routine, and cooler temperatures, that starting a new school year provides. Approaching August and September this year means launching my two oldest sons back into the college world, with road trips to take them, and all of their stuff, back to school but not as much of the “are they going to be okay?” angst that accompanied that first drop off. All three of our boys were home over the summer, working different schedules while also catching up with friends and spending time with family. (This can, in very large part, explain why I have not written anything all summer.) It was fun, and busy, and chaotic, having the gang all back together again. And while none of our sons are super excited about the studying and work involved with an upcoming school year, they do acknowledge that they all thrive with routine and at least a small part of each of them is looking forward to going back to school. As parents of teenage sons, how can we make this transition back to school as seamless for them, and us, as possible?
1) Be clear about what your academic expectations are.
As our sons move into the teenage years, we start to have an understanding about their academic strengths and weaknesses. We see that they struggle with writing or they really do not like anything to do with numbers. As parents, we have our own expectations for what we want from our teenage sons when it comes to school but this is the time when you have to start shifting away from what YOU want from your son academically to what HE wants. Some parents expect all As, some parents expect passing grades, some parents don’t care about grades. Use this start of the school year to be clear about your expectations but also open to discussion with your son about his goals for the school year. The start of the school year is a good time to be clear with your son about what you expect from him academically and determine how you can best support him on his academic journey.
2) Communicate with your son about your own coping with the transition.
I don’t think your teenage son needs to be your therapist, but he does need to see you as a person. So share with him about your own difficulties getting back into a routine or how hard it is for you, as a parent, to see him go off to college but how proud you are of his accomplishment. We, as parents, need to model communication for our sons and show them that it is okay to talk about struggles. Don’t dwell on it or overwhelm him with your own emotions (no teenage boy really wants to see his parent cry, nor does he want to see you jump for joy when he walks out of the door on the first day of school) but find a way to incorporate honest discussion regarding transitions back to school. While you talk with your son about transition, you can also model positive coping strategies by focusing on your own sleep, exercise, socializing, and healthy eating and encourage him to do the same.
3) Find ways to outsource what you can.
Many of us, as parents, fall into the trap of wanting to do it all and have many goals when a new school year begins. I have fallen victim to my own lofty expectations at the start of a school year and then crumbled when I am unable to manage everything I want to do, when it comes to work, parenting, relationships, physical health, emotional health. So find ways to farm out what you don’t want to do or what you don’t have the time or energy to do. Subscribe to that meal-planning service. Get your teenage son to do the yard work. Teach him how to do his own laundry now, if you haven’t already. Use the new school year to assess what you do for your teenage son and your family and try to shift some of the responsibilities to your teenage son, or others, as you can. The start of the school year is a good time to determine what is working and what isn’t for your family and think about how you can make changes and outsource tasks to encourage flourishing.
4) Use a calendar.
At the beginning of every day, while the teenage boys eat breakfast before high school, I look at the calendar and we go through what the day holds in terms of their school, my and their dad’s work, any sports, meetings, or after school commitments. While it does not seem necessary for our teenage sons to know about a big work meeting we have that day, it helps connect us to them and helps them understand we are all working on making transitions. It helps with connection if everyone in the family has an idea of what the others are up to. A family calendar helps keep track of commitments and ensures everyone is aware of upcoming events. It also helps make everyone responsible to share events so the family can make adjustments. Discussing the calendar might remind your son to tell you about that early morning meeting he has the next day for SGA. Or that you need to help organize a carpool if your son can’t yet drive himself. Keep a calendar and refer to it often to keep everyone on track.
5) Remember structure is a good thing.
Despite their protests, all kids, even teenage boys, thrive with structure. No one enjoys that early alarm clock but the structure of a new school year will be beneficial for him. Kids excel when they know what to expect and how their day is going to proceed, something that applies even to our teenage sons. Lazy days of summer are great but so is the structure of the upcoming school year, so try to remember, even if it is a tough transition, it is a good thing for our boys, and us, to have structure.