How are we supposed to keep up with what is influencing our teenage sons?
Trying to stay current can be exhausting, but I have some tips
I was scrolling around the other day and came across an NPR article called “A full guide to the sexual misconduct allegations against YouTuber Andrew Callaghan.” Normally, I would have rolled my eyes and kept scrolling, likely not knowing who the article was even discussing. However, I had remembered hearing that name, so I read the story and the disturbing allegations. One of our teenage sons had mentioned this guy over the holiday break and a documentary he had made that was being released. Reading this article sparked a conversation, but I also started thinking about this time in history and raising teenagers, particularly boys, who have access to so much information all the time. In today’s internet age, our teenage sons can answer any question with a quick google search but they also have access to people like Andrew Tate, who are impacting teenage boys and how they see the world and relationships with others, especially women. As a parent, it is deeply concerning that our teenage sons are being indirectly (or directly) influenced by people whose ideals may be, at times, grossly different than our own.
So how do you not sound like a “Boomer” but still find out what (and who) is impacting your teenage son and his viewpoints during this time in his development while his brain is still forming and he is still searching for and developing his own identity?
1-Try your best to stay current.
Look, the thing is, as parents, we will never have full control over what influences our teenage sons. We are raising boys in a time that did not exist when we were growing up. But that does not mean we should keep our heads in the sand. Find out what they are consuming online and try to stay current. Listen to some podcasts, look around on YouTube. You don’t have to join Snapchat, but you need to know what it is and how he and his friends (and teenagers across the country) are using it. In this rapidly changing technological time, try to stay aware of pop culture and current events, because even if it does not interest you, it likely interests your son.
2-Be okay with asking questions.
We need to keep lines of communication open with our teenage sons, and it works both ways. If you hear about a YouTuber, ask your son about them. I had never heard of Andrew Tate until his recent arrest. When it was on the news, I asked my sons, who were aware of him and the misinformation and misogyny he was spreading. Asking them about him started a great and rich discussion about influence, which all started because I simply asked. When you ask questions, get your son talking to see what he is picking up from what other people are saying. Remain open, though, because you certainly don’t want to cause an argument if you disagree and make him shut down. It is okay to ask the question, gather information from your son, and then revisit the topic later after you’ve had time to think about it.
3-Embrace the fact that you do NOT have to be the cool parent.
We’ve all cringed at watching the scene in Mean Girls where Amy Pohler’s character calls herself the “cool mom.” Why did we cringe? Because truth be told, no one is really going to be the cool parent. Sure, we can get along with our sons and spend time with them, but we are not their friends, yet. Think about your own parents- were they “cool” when you were kids? Probably not, in your eyes, even though they may be now. Our job as parents of teenage boys is to try to keep them alive and guide them into adulthood. Then we can be their friend. So, be okay with not being cool right now. Yes, have fun with your son; yes, be open and communicate and listen. But also remember you are the parent, so if your teenage son is consuming content that is troubling or not appropriate, it is up to you to step up and say something, start that hard discussion and set some limits.
4-Find community and talk to other parents of teenage boys.
It is important to find community as we journey through parenting teenage boys. Many of us are reluctant to discuss our trials and tribulations with others but community can be a source of information at the very least. We can learn a lot from each other. Listen when other parents talk about the online streamer their son is watching or a sports star who is vocal on social media. Even if we have different styles and goals, we can still discuss what our teenage boys are watching online, who the popular culture figures are, and what the ideas that are being spread that might impact our own teenage sons.
5-Remember we are not raising carbon copies of ourselves.
As parents, we are tasked with being the primary influence on our sons’ lives. But as they get older and move into the teenage years, our sons become influenced by many forces other than us. Those will all serve to impact the adult that he becomes. As you see him enjoy something that you think is stupid or listen to music that grates your eardrums, try to remind yourself that he is a separate person. Sure, he is your son but you are raising him to be his own person and with that he will have opinions and tastes that are different from your own.