How can I best handle the college transition?

Tips for parenting your teenage son through this time

When this comes out, I will literally be in the throes of moving our middle son to college. And while we just did this with our oldest son last year, it does not seem to get easier. As a family we have experienced all the emotions over the past year but it is time to send him off to do great things. As a psychologist, I am well-versed in the developmental process of adolescence and how this time in his life is crucial to developing his own identity and separating and becoming a well-rounded person.  But as a mom, I still struggle, even the second time around. Whether it involves college, work, military, or an internship, this end of the teenage years is necessary for your son to transition away from you and  out into the world. So while I take breaks between packing boxes into the car for his move-in, I reflect on what I learned over this past first-year away for one son and want to carry forward as the second one moves out.

1- Keep your phone ringer on at night.

After 18 years, your son has moved out and gone to college. He’s navigating life on his own and doing well. Then there is the late night/early morning phone call where he needs immediate advice. Maybe he keeps a different schedule and is up late at night studying. If you keep your notifications on at night you won’t miss that rare call. We’ve had a son check in late when he is sad but also when he needs advice about dealing with a friend. Try to be there as much as you can.

2- Don’t look at the course catalog.

Going to college is your son’s chance to further develop his life for himself. Sure you can be there if he needs advice, but resist the urge to study the course catalog and help him pick classes. If you jump in and try to direct his college experience then he will not be able to feel confident in his own abilities. Learn what the resources are that your son’s college provides. Knowing about the counseling center, for example, can be helpful when he starts to seem depressed or has panic attacks. But don’t study the catalog or tell him about specific majors or programs, it is HIS college experience.

3-Expect first semester difficulties.

Adjustment to living away from home can be difficult for him, even under the best of circumstances. But remember that his struggles are a natural part of the process. Every one of our oldest son’s friends had some kind of learning curve, as they moved out and away. So don’t rush to pick him up and move him home. Help him seek out resources and reassure him that this transition will take some time. Be there to listen and advise, but also nudge him to find coping strategies that work best for him.

4-Allow him to find his niche.

Hopefully during the high school years you stepped back from being involved in your son’s social life and activities. So it should not be too difficult to watch while your son tries to find his niche in college. Encourage involvement and exposure to lots of different clubs and activities but see where he lands and with whom he wants to spend his time. Support him how you can but allow him to find his place.

5-Plan your next visit with him.

When we dropped our first son off at college, we already knew when we would see him next, as we had a family wedding a couple months later. With our middle, we have already made his travel arrangements to come home for fall break. And while it may not be as soon as we would have wanted, at least there is a next time in sight. Try to give him space but also set up the next time you will see him. It makes it easier to leave knowing when you will be with your son to hear, in person, all about his college adventures.