Your once cuddly but rambunctious little boy has now turned into a lanky surly teenager. In some ways it seems like he changed overnight but in other ways it seems like this has been 13 years in the making. The move into teenage years represents a significant shift for parents and I often hear parents ask, “How do I connect with my teenager?” It has been a question that I have had over the years of raising teenage sons. As with any relationship, you can’t force connection. But as your son moves from little kid to big kid his needs change and, as a parent, you have to adapt and try new things. Here are five suggestions to try to connect with your teenage son:
1- Drive him somewhere.
Even if your son is 16 and has a driver’s license and access to a car, offer to drive him somewhere and take advantage of one-on-one time in the car. Connection and communication are a constant process, especially for those of us with teenage boys. Sometimes we have to take the conversation wherever we can. Some of the best conversations happen in the car. It is a non-threatening environment, no “we need to talk” needed to start a conversation. Your son might be more willing to open up to you when he is distracted by outside scenery while your eyes are planted on the road ahead of you and not staring at him, looking for answers.
2- Food.
Yes, food can create connection with teenage boys. Most of them like to eat and by the time he’s a teenager you know what he likes, so take advantage of that and cook his favorite meal or treat. Make cookies on a random Tuesday. He may not express his direct gratitude in the moment but you can sit with him while he is eating to talk about his day or ask some questions. You are trying to establish connection with your son so remember every little bit of effort on your part can help. And, your son will be more likely to talk when he’s fed.
3- Tell him an embarrassing story about you growing up.
Despite being pretty well-behaved as a teenager, I went to detention once in middle school. My favorite English teacher caught me chewing gum in her class (a big no no back then) and gave me detention for a day and I was devastated. It seems silly now and it makes my boys laugh. I like to tell the story, though, because as their mom, it is important to let them know we all make mistakes and learn from them. And what seems like a big deal when you are a teenager may not, in fact, be a big deal when you move into adulthood. Think of something in your teenage years that you can share with them that is a little embarrassing and remind him you are human too.
4- Ask questions about what he is watching or playing.
If you want to connect with your teenage son, choose a conversation topic that HE is interested in. Show interest in his activities, movies he likes or video games he plays. If you see your son playing a video game, sit and watch and ask questions when appropriate. Don’t interrupt but take note of what is happening and try to follow along. If you truly show an interest, your son will embrace discussion around his favorite thing. Let him teach you something.
5- Teach him a life skill.
Believe it or not, your son will be independent one day and part of him desperately wants to be there already. Take the time to connect and bring your son into the real world. Teach him how to do laundry, or the correct way to load the dishwasher, or how to fold a fitted sheet. The timing of this is important because he may reject what seems like punishment. But providing him with life skills when he is a teenager can enable connection and appreciation for the stage in which he is.
What works for you and connecting to your teenage son?