How can I find the good in my teenage son?

Your sweet little boy has turned into a sullen grumpy teenager that you barely recognize. Everything, including the smallest tasks like brushing his teeth, seems to create an argument. Raising a teenage son can be an adventure, even under the best of circumstances, with good days and bad days. But if your teenage son seems to have more bad days than good, it can be hard to see the positive in your son. And while having a teenage son can be a lot of fun, it can also be really really hard. Sometimes you may worry about who your teenage son is becoming and worry about him becoming a miserable or problematic adult who will never have a job or will end up in jail. Parenting teenage sons frequently involves trying to correct misbehavior and for some families, this turns into a constant barrage of negative behaviors that prevents us from finding anything positive in our sons. What are parents to do if they can’t find the good in their teenage sons?

1- Shift your focus.

One of the first things I do when working with parents of young kids with behavior problems is to educate them about the technique of “catch them being good.” My graduate training emphasized shifting the focus from negative to positive for parents of young kids, which can also translate to our teenage sons. When you are in the thick of parenting (whether your son is 4 or 14), you may find yourself correcting, correcting, correcting and exhausted that your teenage son does not seem to be getting it. Spend an hour, or even ten minutes, observing your teen and try to find something that is positive. For that time, ignore the negatives that might be driving you crazy about your teenage son. Instead, focus on the positive by recognizing what you are seeing and shifting your focus to find something positive even in that short timeframe.

2- Start small.

When it seems like your teenage son can do nothing right and you can’t find anything good, start with trying to find even a little positive detail to focus on. He put his dinner plate in the sink (win), he told you good night (win), he put his shoes in his room (win). It is not about expecting the bare minimum but when you are at the end of your rope and feel like he is a rotten teenager, find something small that is positive to focus on.

3- Separate your son from his behavior.

For some, adolescence is simply a time of natural progression from childhood into adulthood. For other families, though, adolescence can be a disruptive time where your teenage son seems unmanageable, irritable, and you worry about the adult he will become. During these difficult times, try to separate your son from his behavior. He’s not a bad kid, he’s a kid doing bad things. Remind yourself of that every day, multiple times a day if you need to. Separate the behavior and try to correct that as you see fit but acknowledge that your teenage son is continuing to develop, change, and grow into an adult.

4- Separate yourself from your teenage son.

Sometimes the struggles we have with our teenage sons are due to our own expectations for his future and functioning. Try to step back and see the person he is becoming, rather than lamenting that he is not where you want him to be. Remember that your teenage son is his own individual and is not a direct reflection of you. Have your own interests and allow your teenage son to have his. Especially when times are turbulent, parents may tend to become more overbearing in an attempt to manage their son’s problematic behaviors. But try to separate yourself to some degree, so that you can allow him to self-correct and become his own person.

5-Create open discussion and dialogue.

The optimal approaches to parenting involve open communication with structure and guidelines. When your teenage son is argumentative, failing a class or two, and spending time with the wrong crowd of friends, sit down and have a calm conversation. Mentally organize your thoughts and find a time when you can maintain composure and express your concerns to him. This may not have any immediate impact on his behavior but try to provide an opening to let him know he can talk in the future. Keep those lines of communication open, even if they are only open from your end. Sometimes all we can do is hang on, hope for the best, and be there as much as we can.