How can I get my teenage son to talk to me when I can tell something is bothering him?

One day our teenage son came home from high school and I could tell something was wrong. Although all three of our boys typically came home from school tired, this particular day this son was acting a little off. “How was your day?” I asked (and in all fairness, I knew the answer would be “fine” but just wanted him to know I was checking in). “Eh…” was his response, which seemed to mean there was something he wanted to say but did not really want to discuss. Our sons, being raised by psychologists, know that we are always available to talk. That does NOT mean THEY are always open to talking to us. But like most parents, we want our sons to talk to us and tell us what is going on. So that particular day, I tried to ask general, then specific, questions and got no answers. I knew the rest of the day would be chaotic with carpools and dinner prep and homework, so I struggled with wanting him to talk to me now so that we could figure out a way to fix whatever was going on but also get through the remaining chaos of the day. I got nowhere with my questioning and gave up. At the end of the day, when I went to go tell him goodnight, he told me that he was upset because a friend of his had gotten in some serious trouble. We talked about what had happened, how he felt about it, and how he could support his friend. There was nothing I could do but listen to my son, but I learned some lessons that day. Here are my suggestions when you want your son to talk to you:

1) Wait it out.

Ask your son the question. If he chooses not to answer you, simply wait. When you’ve asked, you have let your son know that you are open to hearing him when he is ready to talk. Just because you are ready to listen does not mean he wants to talk, so sometimes you just have to wait.

2) Don’t assume the worst.

For some of us, as parents, we assume something terrible when our teenage sons won’t share with us. He’s been suspended from school or he’s experimenting with drugs or he’s failing a class. But more often than not, if your teenage son is not giving you information it is likely because he is trying to figure things out on his own. Don’t assume that if your son is bothered by something that it is due to his own behavior. Remember he is figuring out his own place in the world which comes with ups and downs. So give him the benefit of the doubt and don’t assume the worst.

3) Distract him with an activity.

If you can tell something is wrong or something is on his mind, distract your teenage son with an activity. Get him to help you bake cookies. Or take him with you to the grocery store. Have him help you pair up clean socks. Or go for a hike. Do something together that gets your mind, and his, off of whatever is affecting him.

4) Remember that it is not about YOUR timeline.

Part of being the parent means we have a perspective that makes us recognize time constraints. We know how life gets busy and having a free moment now does not mean we will have one in the future. But when it comes to trying to get information from our teenage sons, it is not about your timeline. He will talk to you when HE is ready. Maybe it is late at night when you’ve had a long day and are ready for sleep. Or maybe it is in the car on the way to practice. Be ready for those moments because they will not occur when you, as the parent, plan for them.

5) It is okay if he shares with someone else.

Part of parenting teenage sons involves recognizing there are others in his life with whom he is close and can process when things are troubling. Hopefully our teenage sons have close friends who they can talk to about life events, successes, and failures. As parents we need to be okay with that. We need to allow our teenage sons to have close relationships with others, and not necessarily demand they tell us everything, so they can have multiple perspectives to help them work through life.