How can I help my teenage son deal with change?

Tips for coping during turbulent times

Change is inevitable. As parents we know this. Children grow and change as they move from childhood, to adolescence, to adulthood. Each school year starts and ends, transitioning into summer, then into another school year. We face change daily and have hopefully learned to cope with inevitable change. In our house, we are ending a school year, which brings obvious change. But we also have two teenage boys finishing their last years at their current school and one teenage boy who has finished his first year in college. In my years as a college professor, I would welcome change as every semester brought a different bunch of students through my classroom door. In my years as a therapist, I enjoyed change because it brought different clients who needed help with different challenges through the office door. As a parent, though, change can feel different. It is exciting to see what is ahead for our children but it also reminds us how quickly time moves and we need to enjoy every moment. People may cope with change differently but as parents, how can we help our teenage boys cope with change?

1- Be honest about the difficulties related to change but DON’T project your own struggles onto him.

When change comes, as it always does, your teenage son needs to be aware of the realities of change. Have conversations with him acknowledging how change can be hard, whether that means moving to a new school, breaking up with a girlfriend, or having a sibling move out. While having conversations, though, be sure you are supporting him. He does not need to be supporting you. Find your own support so that you can help him navigate change in his life.

2- Keep as much structure and healthy habits as you can.

As you are launching your son into adulthood your son needs to expect that change will continue throughout his life. Whatever he is going through now can provide training for future coping. Provide as much structure as you can, whether that includes chores, meals, daily activities, bedtime. In doing so, give him a framework for understanding that amidst chaos, sleep, exercise, and healthy eating go a long way.

3- Focus on the positive aspects of change, rather than mourning a loss.

One of my sons is graduating from high school this year. He has a great group of friends and has been lucky to have had wonderful experiences so it is difficult to see all of that ending. But we have been trying to talk about all the fun new things in his future: new school, new part of the country, new people, new experiences. There can be a lot of unknown excitement coming with change so let’s try to focus on that.

4- Communicate about feelings as a family.

When our teenage boys are faced with change we need to provide the safe space at home for him to express his feelings. Talk to him about his experience. If he is like my teenage boys, he will probably initially say, “It’s fine.” But if you give him time and some space he may actually open up about his emotions. Model communication so that he knows he can come to you when he wants to open up.

5- Allow for (and encourage) social connection.

Teenage boys need to be allowed to connect with and spend time with their friends, especially when faced with change. So while you might want to keep him at home and surround him with family during times of change, it is important for him to spend time with his friends, just being a teenage boy. Be okay with the fact that he wants to be with his friends, who likely provide a stable foundation during times of change.