How can I promote strong sibling bonds between my teenage sons?
Guidance for impacting sibling relationships
When I was pregnant with our second son, I was excited to find out we were having another boy because our oldest son would have a built in playmate. I envisioned the two boys building blocks together, playing catch in the backyard, and laughing as they played games together. Fast forward a bit to when son #2 was about a year old and learning how to walk. He would stand up, we would cheer, and our oldest, who was about 2 ½ years old, would toddle over and shove him in the back, pushing him down. Horrified at this overt aggression, I would try to gently correct the behavior. After it happened repeatedly, and continued once #2 was comfortably walking, I just knew their relationship was doomed. Having strong sibling relationships between our children was a key focus my husband and I have intentionally set forth in our family. Seeing these early interactions made me fear a strained relationship between our older two boys. Obviously, you live and learn as a parent and now that they are teenagers we have learned to overlook the minor conflict and try to focus on the big picture with regards to their relationships with one another. And of course, with three teenage boys, there is conflict. But they also call each other for rides, ask each other for advice, and study and play sports together. An article titled “Improving Sibling Relationships” in the March 2022 edition of American Psychological Association’s flagship magazine, the Monitor, points out the lack of research on sibling relationships, despite the fact that, over the course of a lifetime, siblings are often the people with whom an individual will spend the most time. If this is the case, how can you be sure your teenage boys get along with siblings and have strong healthy relationships with each other starting now and into adulthood? Here are five tips to guide you as a parent:
1-Provide them with shared experiences.
If we want to promote healthy sibling relationships, we can establish shared experiences for our sons. Help them find commonalities and encourage them to spend time together. This will give them memories upon which to reflect as they get older. Take family trips, establish routines that allow your children to be together. Those shared experiences will carry into adulthood when they will have siblings who have similar memories and know what it was like to be a child in your family.
2-Promote their friendships with others.
Research seems to show that children with a best friend demonstrate more positive sibling relationships. Encouraging friendships in our sons can help our sons develop social skills necessary to enhance his relationships with others, including siblings. I acknowledge that friendships, particularly among teenage boys, can be tricky to navigate as a parent but the importance of friendships cannot be denied.
3-Avoid favoritism of one sibling over another.
When raising more than one child, the potential to respond differently to each child is a daily occurrence. One son may have the personality to constantly be argumentative, for example, making you want to spend less time with him and more with another sibling. Additionally, a natural learning curve seems to occur, as mistakes we make with our first born (such as setting a strict bedtime) may be corrected with second or third born (when perhaps bedtime gets pushed back a bit). And family circumstances may change, as singular focus can be on first born that then gets split once other children enter the family. Despite these natural tendencies in parenting more than one child, it is important for parents to avoid demonstrating overt favoritism towards one child in order to promote warm sibling relationships. Teenagers are especially perceptive of how each of them are viewed within the context of the family. If you demonstrate even an accidental favoritism towards one child, know that it could impact how siblings view one another and relate to one another. Try to foster similar, yet unique, relationships between you and each of your children so that they do not see favoritism in how you respond to each of them.
4-Remember that relationships take many forms and likely change over time.
Although two of my boys were adversaries when they were really young, they grew into a closer relationship that continues to evolve. You may begin with an idea about how you want the relationship between your sons to be but you need to recognize that these are individuals who will develop their own relationship that will change over time. Your teenage son’s relationship with his siblings now may or may not reflect his relationship in the future. So give it time and allow for the relationship to grow.
5-Recognize that sibling relationships are complex.
I try to encourage positive relationships between my boys but I also know I cannot force a relationship. My sons have their own personalities and while I can help provide the foundation, I also know that sibling relationships, like all relationships, are complex. Try to keep the big picture in mind and don’t panic if your sons don’t seem to get along now. Like many things in parenting, we have to remember that our children’s behaviors are a product of the complex interaction of nature and nurture. The relationship between siblings is like friendship involving closeness and a lifetime of shared history. But ultimately, it is the relationship between two people that you, as a parent, can help guide but cannot control.