How can we best emotionally support our teenage sons?
What we think they need may differ from what they need
A recent article in the American Psychological Association magazine, Monitor on Psychology, asserts “U.S. teens need far more emotional and social support.” The article summarizes data from a survey in the recent CDC based National Health Statistics Report, which asks about perception of social and emotional support. According to the survey, parents feel pretty confident with 93% indicating that their teenagers always or usually receive adequate social and emotional support. By contrast, only about 58% of teenagers said the same. So there seems to be some disconnect between how teens view support and what parents think is going on. Interestingly, 65% of boys report they get the support they need (compared with 52% of girls), which seems to be relatively good news for us parents of teenage boys. Almost two-thirds of boys feel supported, but that also means a third of boys who responded do not feel emotionally or socially supported. As I read through the survey data and the corresponding Monitor article, I was struck by the discrepancy between what boys need and what we, as parents, think we are giving them. We are all trying to do the best we can, assuming we are giving our teenage boys everything they need, but maybe we need to examine our view of emotional support and his view of emotional support. What types of emotional support do our teenage sons likely need?
1) He does not want your problem-solving.
As parents of teenage sons, one of the hardest things to do is learn that you cannot solve his problems. Even if you want to or see an easy solution. This is his life to live. You can give advice and guidance and some structure for problem-solving, but they are his problems to solve. The Monitor article notes that it is important to pull back when we get into problem-solving mode, allowing our teenagers to figure out their own problems with support from us.
2) He wants you to share his interests.
A simple way to show support to your teenage son is to share his interests. Sit with him and watch a football game. Ask him questions about video games he’s playing. Watch the YouTube clips of comedians he likes. Listen to his music practice. Just sharing interests with our teenage son can show him he’s emotionally supported and connected.
3) He needs a sense of autonomy.
Our teenage sons need to feel supported in making their own decisions as they move towards adulthood. When they are younger, we tend to make a lot of their decisions for them- we adults choose where they go to school, we arrange playdates for them, we sign them up for camps/sports/music lessons. And even though it is difficult, we need to allow our teenage sons to make their own decisions and feel confident in doing so. Talk out the options and possibilities with him but let him decide what course of action is best.
4) He needs space for emotional expression.
Temper tantrums peak around the age of 3, so hopefully your teenage son has outgrown that phase. However, he still needs a way to be able to express his emotions. As parents we need to be okay with our son getting angry or sad. He may cry but he also may yell. As long as he is not aggressive or hurtful, give him room to be able to express emotions so that you can be the reasonable adult and show him how to move from expression to talking more rationally about his feelings and underlying situations.
5) He may not be able to articulate what he wants or needs.
When it comes to providing emotional support to our teenage sons, we need to acknowledge that what works for us may not work for him. In addition, our teenage sons may not even be able to ask for what they need. Don’t get frustrated with him when he can’t tell you what he needs. Expect ambiguity but try your best as a parent to provide emotional support for your teenage son and encourage positive social relationships for social support.