How can we reduce our own fear in parenting teenage boys?

It seems like everything I see these days about parenting teenage boys is based on fear. The Adolescence series. Smart phones and social media ruining our children. The loneliness epidemic. Most of the headlines we see, particularly regarding parenting teenage boys, are related to what is going wrong. I get it. I’m a clinical psychologist so my job is to assess, diagnose, and treat psychopathology and mental disorders. We need to find the problems so we know how to fix them. But it seems like the entire culture of parenting teenagers, particularly teenage boys, is driven by fear. Fear of doing something wrong. Fear of messing up our sons forever. Fear of missing a warning sign. Fear of destroying the relationship with our teenage sons that we so desperately want. Often fear can be paralyzing. When we enter the age of parenting teenagers, we look for stability but often find that outside sources are promoting this fear. So what are we, as parents to do to try to help ourselves avoid inherent fear and stay focused on raising our teenage sons?

1) Learn about teenage development of boys.

There are a lot of books about what to expect with pregnancy and the newborn phase, but not a lot of books for what development of teenage boys looks like. And truthfully, by the time we get to the teenage years, many of us, as parents, are hanging on by a thread or just winging it. But it helps to know a little bit about what your son is going through, physically, cognitively, and emotionally. It’s normal for him to prefer his peers over his family. It’s normal for him to take some risks. In addition to his body growing and changing, his brain is still growing and changing. A changing brain means personality changes, judgment lapses, and new interests. Knowing youth development can help when parenting teenage boys seems overwhelming and scary.

2) Prioritize when to tell your teenage son “No.”

When your son moves into the teenage years, he will likely be granted more freedoms. But sometimes it can feel like you are telling him “No” ALL the time. Figure out and clearly explain to your son your non-negotiables with regards to his behavior. Then, when he asks to do something unusual, try to use it as an opportunity to say YES. School attendance is a priority for our family. We typically know when tests are imminent as the boys talk to us about their studying. One teenage son got invited to a concert that was on a Tuesday night, with a test falling on that Wednesday. At first reluctant to let him go, we realized we needed to trust him to manage his own studies and even if he stayed home, we couldn’t guarantee he’d be studying. Plus the memory of the concert was likely something he’d carry with him. So we allowed him to go. (He had a blast and ended up doing fine on the test, despite being tired from staying out late on a school night.) Remember that you need to show him you are not afraid to trust him to make good decisions so he’ll do so when he is not around you.

3) Resist the urge to jump in any time he struggles.

I remember watching my sons take swimming lessons when they were little. It was awful watching them from the side of the pool because it felt like the swim instructor was letting them drown. But what he was doing was teaching them survival skills. It doesn’t get easier, watching your son struggle, but jumping in to pull him out of the water would’ve done nothing to help him swim. When your teenage son is struggling, whether with academics, socially, or in developing a plan for his future, sit with him and be with him but don’t try to figure it out for him. By doing so, you are teaching him that he can handle tough times, whether it’s a fight with a friend or consequences of a behavioral misstep. And while change can be scary, you can help him see that he can manage the hard stuff.

4) Try not to monitor or comment on every move he makes.

This age of parenting is particularly stressful, I think, because we have the ability to monitor every move our teenage sons make. We can track where they physically are and we can track their grades. I think parents need to be cautious when it comes to seeing everything. It is important to watch and be aware of his daily habits, but do you really need to know what he made on that history paper? Sometimes we, as parents, think it makes us feel more connected to know where they are or what they are doing, but it actually can increase our fear and worry when we see something that is unusual or unexpected. Part of being a teenage boy is developing independence from his parents, so try to work on allowing him to do so.

5) Embrace the fun.

Being a parent to a teenage son comes with challenges, sure, but it also comes with so many different areas of interest and topics that are brand new. Listen to your teenage son and have those conversations. Learn something new about what HE is interested in. Let him talk about a comedian he’s watching or music he’s into. See the world from his perspective because soon enough he’ll be an adult and that relationship will shift again. But you’ll remember rocking out to new music or learning what GTA stands for or how stars align. When we are having more fun during the parenting journey, we tend to be less afraid, so embrace it and have as much fun as you can along the way.