It has been a while since my last newsletter and truth be told, there has been a lot of chaos at our house. I did not mean to take the summer off from writing, but I did. As someone who likes structure and routine, summer, particularly with teenage boys, can demonstrate a host of challenges. But the start of a new school year involves planning as well as reflection. So while I apologize for the lack of posts this summer, I look forward to going back to my Thursday posts and discussing the challenges, and joys, of parenting teenage sons while also incorporating my perspective as a child psychologist. Today’s post involves more reflection of what has worked, and what did not, over this summer with three teenagers in three very different phases of life so hopefully you can feel encouraged, no matter what the chaos, to cope and thrive. As we wrap up summer and move into a school year, I remind you that we all, in raising teenage sons, experience chaos in one form or another. Sometimes it is his attitude, sometimes it is a lack of structure during the summer or uncertainty about the future, sometimes it is complaining or fighting with his siblings or you, sometimes it is broken curfews and failing grades. As cliché as it is to say, life is messy and chaos is a guarantee. But we, as parents of teenage boys, need to remember that we are tasked with being the stable consistent force in our sons’ lives. Our job is to be counselor, provide guidance, impart knowledge, establish structure, and have some fun along the say. It can be exhausting. And that is on a good day without major problems. So how can we proactively cope with the inevitable chaos that comes with parenting teenage sons?
1- Start with setting a schedule for yourself.
Many of us have work and other demands that dictate much of our schedules. When you are feeling most chaotic, though, try to be as intentional with your time as you can. Create time for yourself, for exercise or a coffee break, time to write or meditate, and give yourself as much control as possible over your own time. One of my sons had a variable work schedule this summer. When he received his shift assignments, I would write down his hours in my calendar, for no other reason than I wanted to try to work my own flexible schedule around seeing him before he left for work. The schedule was not the same every day but would give me something to consider when I was planning my own flexible work schedule and other daily priorities. Since he is leaving soon for college, I wanted to be sure to see him during the day and had the flexibility to plan my own schedule in a way that allowed this to occur. In addition to considering his schedule, I also know that I function better with some routine and tend to structure my day around priorities. Especially when times feel chaotic and demands are many, scheduling time for what I want to do is important to cope with chaos and allow for some individual control.
2- Check in with your teenager.
Even when time feels chaotic, it is important to keep communicating with your teenage son. Talk to your teenager and see if he is feeling the chaos. Share some of your thoughts and observations about what is happening in your family. Normalize the feelings of chaos, even if your son does not say much in return. You can keep checking in with him and demonstrate that those lines of communication are open. It does not have to be a lengthy family discussion, but do not be afraid to mention how unsettling it can feel when things are changing. Our oldest son is about to exit the teenage years and has become much more communicative. He demonstrates a level of insight and discussion that makes conversations delightful. He may not have been open to deep conversations at 13 or 14 but we have continued to demonstrate to him that the lines of communication are always open and he is now able to utilize them. Even now he talks about how appreciative he was of not forcing a discussion when he was younger but letting him know we are there.
3- Be a watcher.
Not in a creepy way, but watch your teenage son and observe what he is doing, especially during times of chaos. How does he handle stress? What does he do to relax and unwind? What is he interested in? How is he spending his time? How your son handles chaotic time can show you his skill set and teach you about this individual. As parents, we may tend to project our own coping mechanisms onto our children but teenage boys develop their own strategies based on what works for them. Our middle son, for example, has been teaching himself songs on guitar this summer as he is facing an upcoming move away to college. Hearing the music from his room reminds me of his interests as well as the soothing nature of his coping. If you watch your son, you can learn something. And as parents, we need to continue to get to know our sons.
4- Enlist help.
When times are especially chaotic, find other adults who can help you take on tasks and help you feel more in control of situations. Extended family, friends, coaches, or mentors can all help you find ways to cope with the chaos of teenage boys, whose attitudes may change daily or who have last-minute requests for activity participation. Although one of our teenage sons is not of driving age yet, the other one at home is and has been able to help with day to day requests to meet friends or get school supplies. When he cannot give our youngest a ride, we rely on neighbors and parents of friends who can help with transportation during the summer workdays. Enlisting help from others can also involve outsourcing tasks for yourself that make life calmer and easier. If you can get help with chores you do not like, such as house cleaning or laundry, this can help calm the chaos and make time more manageable.
5- Embrace this season.
It can happen so fast, but the teenage years are truly only 6 years long, 13 to 19. When we are in it, it can seem like it will last forever and the days of slamming doors, fighting about study habits, total silence, can seem very long. Remind yourself, though, that this is one season of parenting. You are trying the best you can to raise this teenage boy but know that he will continue to grow and will eventually exit the teenage years. Your long term goal is to help your teenage son make it to manhood and to set the stage for your adult relationship with him. Keep holding on during this season and know that this is a season in life.