How do I discipline my teenage son?

Making decisions about discipline seems to get harder as our sons get older

A lot of parents struggle with teenagers, particularly boys, who never seem to be able to follow the rules. They wreak havoc and may act like they can do whatever they want without consequences. Parents of these boys grapple with daily management of problematic behavior. On the opposite end of the spectrum are those parents who, if we are to believe their social media posts and comments in the grocery store, have perfect teenagers who make perfect grades, are perfect athletes, and have perfect friendships and social lives. Good for them, but most of us, in the throes of parenting teenage sons, are somewhere in between. We have generally well-behaved kids who sometimes make dumb decisions and get into trouble.

Many of us, as parents, embarked on discipline when our kids were little. Time-outs, lack of screen time, no dessert after dinner- lots of behavioral approaches to change behavior are implemented when kids are little. As our kids get bigger, though, the mistakes get bigger and the consequences get bigger. If you don’t have to worry about your son’s behavior for the most part, what do you do when he does something wrong-  how do you discipline a teenage son?

1-Match the severity of behavior to consequence.

The first thing to ask, when trying to determine how to discipline your son, is what was the problematic behavior? We don’t want to overreact. If you hear your son say something you deem inappropriate to one of his friends while playing a video game, that might warrant a conversation but not removal of his phone for a month. Of course, we don’t want to underreact either. If you, as a parent, think it is a big deal then your son should think it is a big deal. So look at the behavior itself and think about what message you want to give your son about what he has done. The purpose of discipline is ultimately learning, you are trying to teach him that what he did was unacceptable.

2-Taking away a privilege vs adding on a consequence.

Depending on the age and development of your teenager, you might have great success taking away a privilege like cell phone use, driving, or spending time with friends. Removal of privileges for teenagers can demonstrate the impact of problematic behavior and tends to be impactful. The length of time does not have to be excessive, but a few days without a cell phone can show your son how serious his behavior was. However, you might, instead, decide to add on a consequence as a result of a behavior. Maybe you add volunteer hours into your son’s schedule in order to make amends for misbehavior. Or have him perform additional chores around the house. Think about how YOUR son would respond to taking away a privilege or adding something else into his schedule to make amends for problematic behavior. In doing so, you have to remember that each child is different. What works for your son might not work for someone else’s.

3-Be clear on the end date.

When you decide to discipline your son, the clearer you can be in your expectations, the better. Additionally, the clearer you are about the length of time for the consequence, the better. Taking away your son’s car keys indefinitely, for example, does not give him much motivation to demonstrate positive appropriate behavior as he does not know when he will get his privilege returned. But if he knows he has lost access to a car for a week, then he can see the end of the punishment. If you are going to discipline your son, you have to decide on an END date and stick to it. Often, in discipline, we get tired as parents and give in before we said we would, which gives our sons little confidence that we will follow through with what we say. So pick a length of time you think is appropriate for a consequence and stay with that deadline.

4-Communicate to explain your expectations.

The best parenting approach involves not only setting limits but also providing an explanation for the rules and limits provided. Your son likely knows he did something wrong but it is always helpful for him to hear directly from you about what you expect from him and where he went wrong. Don’t try to communicated while you are heated and upset with him, but after cooling off, explain your expectations and why his behavior is problematic. Verbalize your expectations and have a conversation with him. It might even be helpful to write up a behavioral contract to specifically lay out what will and will not be tolerated. Something written can help provide a touchstone to refer back to when problems may occur in the future.

5-Focus on survival for your family.

Here’s the final piece of advice regarding disciplining teenage sons: pick your battles. You don’t have to respond to every problem behavior and remember, there is no rule book that comes with parenting. If you ask 10 people how to discipline your teenage son you will likely receive 10 different pieces of advice. But only YOU can do what is best for YOUR family. So focus on that. What are your parenting goals and how does this fit into your parenting perspective? Is it the kind of behavior you think you can let slide? Then let it slide. Is it a big deal for you even when others around you think you are overreacting? Then address it how you think is best. You are leading your son along this journey into adulthood and with discipline try to do the best you can.