How do I set realistic expectations for my teenage son?
What to consider if you think you are asking too much (or not enough)
If you ask parents what their expectations are for their teenage son, most would probably say: finish high school, be respectful to others, help around the house, be a good friend. We tend to have broad expectations for our teenage sons to become the well functioning adults we are hoping for while we are raising them. If you ask teenage boys, though, what their parents’ expectations are for them, they may provide a laundry list that they think is overwhelming. When it comes down to the nitty gritty, day-to-day expectations, how can we know if we are being unreasonable or setting realistic expectations for our teenage sons?
1) Have a conversation with your son about what you expect.
The best type of parenting involves rules that are accompanied by rationale and understanding. If you feel like your teenage son needs to be doing more to keep his room clean or carpool his siblings to activities, have a conversation rather than just making the demand. You may think that your teenage son can’t understand your logic, but try to present it to him in such a way that he can see the reasoning behind the expectation.
2) Think about what would benefit your family as a whole.
Do a realistic audit of your family’s day-to-day life. How much time, money, and energy is spent on different activities? Look for places where your teenage son can contribute to help the overall functioning of your family. Are finances tight? Encourage him to look for a part-time job to pay for some of his expenses. Are mealtimes stressful? Get him involved in the planning, prep, and cleanup. Families consist of individuals and each individual needs to help contribute to the positive functioning of the family. As our teenage sons get older, expect them to help more in order to benefit the family as a whole.
3) Emphasize healthy habits.
If you are worried about your expectations for your teenage son being realistic and appropriate, just be sure you are focused on helping him develop the healthy habits he will need into adulthood. He needs some structure in his day, sleep, nutritious food, daylight, time with others, and some movement. Fit your expectations around those habits in a way that you think he can manage.
4) Give him some down time.
It is good for our teenage sons to be busy but it is also good for them to have time to decompress and relax. Just like you, your teenage son only gets 24 hours in a day. When you create expectations for your teenage son around the house be sure that you allow unstructured free time for him to relax. Be honest about what you are expecting him to do, in addition to school and other obligations. Make sure he has some down time in each day in order relax.
5) Be willing to change your expectations.
Anyone reading this already knows this, but parenting teenage boys means constantly adjusting your expectations. You may enter the teenage years with one set of rules and then as problems arise or things crop up, you change the rules. Don’t let it bother you if you have to change expectations. This is normal and can ensure your expectations don’t become unreasonable.