Helpless. Terrified. Heartbroken. Those are some of the emotions I have experienced this week as the mother of a teenage son who is off at college and another who is applying to go. The world can be a scary place. The news of mass murders at two different college campuses has impacted all parents of college kids around the country who are deep in empathy with the parents of those students. Suddenly, we are all realizing the harsh reality that these families face, losing their children who they thought were away having fun and enjoying the college experience. As a mom, I am gutted for the parents who assumed their kids were safe at college and now have to deal with the brutal aftermath of what happened. As a psychologist, I know the desire to try to make sense of the unthinkable for those of us who were not directly impacted but I also know the protective value and importance of human connection for all of us.
There is no possible way I could do justice in this newsletter to the thoughts and reactions we are individually and collectively having regarding these tragedies. But in trying to process them myself and what it means for everyone on the “parenting teenage boys journey”, I have to compartmentalize. I have to focus on what can be controlled as a mom and for my teenage sons. Rather than calling my son home and never letting the others leave the house, I think about communication and relationships. What can we, as parents of teenage boys, do to try to nurture and develop our own relationships with our sons? Relationships can keep us grounded and give us purpose and meaning in the world. And relationships begin and continue with communication. Talking to our teenage sons can sometimes feel like a one-way street but it is necessary for you, as the parent, to put the words out for him to hear, while not expecting him to repeat the words back to you or say anything in return. The point of communication is to continue to do so during the teenage years with your son in the hope that he will internalize your words and one day recognize their truth and meaning. Even though he may pull away or act like he’s not listening, there are five things to make sure you say to your own teenage son:
1-I love you.
You know you feel it but do you say it? As parents, we may interact with our teenage sons in ways our parents interacted with us. Maybe your parents never had to say the words “I love you” but you felt it. And maybe that is your approach with your own son. But if we want to improve our relationships with our teenage sons we need to model saying the words that match our emotions. Say “I love you.” Know that he may not say it back but you want him to hear it and believe it.
2-You can do this.
Our teenage sons face many challenges, some greater than others. We want our sons to attempt difficult tasks and we want them to know we are supportive of them. Although he wants (and needs) to do things on his own, support from parents can keep our teenage sons trying new things and pushing themselves to excel. Whether it is studying for a hard test or trying to rock climb, our sons need to hear us say “You can do this.”
3-I’m proud of you.
You look at your teenage son and see the man he is becoming, learning along the way and having ups and downs but there is likely something he has done that makes you proud. In response to those moments, he needs to hear you say “I’m proud of you.” In a previous post for Psychology Today (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/boys-will-be-boys/202004/why-should-your-son-hear-you-say-you-are-proud-him) I discussed why your teenage son needs to hear these words. Our sons need to hear the words in order to hear how we feel and to internalize those words. That sense of pride can help them continue to try hard things and enhance their self-esteem as they move into adulthood.
4-I don’t know.
When I was a relatively new psychology instructor I eagerly read my end-of-the-semester evaluations from students and was shocked to see one complained, “She said ‘I don’t know’ too much.” It was presented as a negative and I feared it made me look like I was uneducated or inexperienced. Upon reflection, though, I realized that saying “I don’t know” was instrumental to my teaching style, which included honest presentation of information and opportunity for disagreement and discussion. What I learned from that feedback was to explain to my students early in the semester that they can ask any question and I will be honest about what I know and what I don’t, but if I can’t provide an answer we can research it together. This directly relates to my parenting approach, which makes it okay to communicate with my teenage sons and let them know that I may not ALWAYS know the right answer but we can figure it out together. This helps my sons understand that thoughts change, opinions change, and there is still a lot we don’t know about the world around us, and that is okay.
5-It won’t always be like this.
Your teenage son needs to hear from you that life is a series of transitions. During the teenage years, much is changing in your son’s world and the future may seem unclear. We want our sons to enjoy the moment and the phase of life that they are in but they do need to hear that life will continue to evolve and change. It won’t always be like this. Alternatively, if your teenage son is having a difficult time navigating this phase of life, he needs the reminder that it will not always been like this and things will get better. We need to prepare our teenage sons for the inevitable changes that come with life and talking to him about this is key. Communication and sharing the words with him can provide him with the foundation to face challenges and enhance your relationship.