How do we equip our teenage sons to cope with transitions?
Change is inevitable and parents can help navigate these changes.
Our oldest son, still a teenager and away at college, was home for a nice holiday break and has just returned to school. We had gotten back into a good family rhythm when he was home. We traveled together, spent time with each other and extended family, and during the day I would work while the teenage boys slept in. It felt back to normal. When I got home from work, we would talk about the day, reflect on the previous semester, and talk about plans for the future. His brothers enjoyed having him home as much as his parents did. They played chess and drove together to pick up fast food for lunch. They asked questions and the oldest gave his college wisdom to the younger two. But now he’s gone back to school and I realize that what we had over the holiday break was not back to normal; rather, THIS is our normal.
All three of our boys are at significant points in their lives and development. Transitions, change, chaos- all part of raising teenage boys. When I work with families seeking guidance for parenting challenges, the focus is often on adapting to change. The family is a system, and it shifts and moves depending on what the environment is. Routines that worked when your sons were little suddenly don’t work anymore. But systems tend to adapt and we find ways to cope with transition. As parents, when there is a family shift in routine, we need to be intentional about how we adapt so that each family member can flourish. Whether a son leaves for college or is in the midst of college applications or enters a sports season or is faced with academic or work commitments, the demands on parents not only involve helping our sons navigate the trials and changes themselves but also helping ourselves and other family members adapt and adjust to the transitions and new schedules. So when faced with a family transition, there are five questions we can ask ourselves as parents:
1-What does my son need?
Teenage sons tend to be relatively self-sufficient so we don’t spend as much time anticipating his needs as we might have when he was, say, a toddler. But when change occurs, it is up to us as parents to try to anticipate what our teenage son might need. He may not express it directly so use his past adjustment and his personality and try to predict what he might need to adjust. We tend to see this at the start of a new school semester, for example, after our sons have enjoyed a relatively relaxed schedule and sleeping in. The adjustment is hard for everyone in the family but parents can help their sons by working on a sleep schedule before school starts, setting up routines that will help him transition more smoothly to the structure. When transition occurs, work with your son, even by asking him directly, to anticipate what he might need to adjust well.
2-How can I make the new schedule easier on the family?
After examining what your son might need to adjust to transition, it is key to look at your family as a whole. When change occurs for your teenage son, your entire family will likely need to adjust. During a sports season, the family might have to shift meal times or expectations. When a teenage son moves out, the other family members might have to pick up slack with chores or may worry about the relationship suffering. Take stock of how your family functions and try to implement aspects that will make the transition easier on the family as a whole.
3-What are the outcomes if something slides?
The first two questions focus on adapting to change and proactively setting up your son and your family to succeed. But there are, of course, times when things do not go as planned. When we make adjustments to our family routines and schedules to adapt to a transition, the impact and time commitment of the change should be examined so you, as a parent, can anticipate outcomes if something slides. What happens if your son misses a band practice? The outcome might be different than if your son misses a college application deadline. Parenting involves flexibility and, during transitions, we need to help our teenage sons anticipate outcomes if some part of the new routine slips. There will be commitments that slide but by examining possibilities ahead of time you can help minimize the negative impact on your son, your family, and others.
4-How long do I see this season lasting?
Transitions can be thought of as seasons, some with a definite end, like a sports season or school semester, and others with an infinite time frame, like a parental separation or child moving out. As we adjust to change in the family, the time frame can help realistic expectations for the schedule and expectations. Is it something you can do forever or can you look at the adjustment as a short-term fix? Taking on extra responsibilities, like extra food in the house for an additional meal when he gets home from practice, to help your family adjust to change can be easier when it is for a limited time. Your son might be resistant to doing his own laundry every week but might be more motivated when he is required to keep a uniform clean. Find ways to make it manageable and do what works best for YOUR family in THIS season.
5-What can I do to relax and decompress?
As parents of teenage boys, we focus on his needs, his adjustment, his potential outcomes. But it is crucial to spend time to focus on ourselves. You probably hear it all the time (because it is true) but you have to put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others. Incorporate time for yourself, moments where you can truly relax and decompress. Maybe it is a weekly session with a therapist, or a daily workout routine, or just time on a Saturday to binge Netflix. When our eldest went back to school after the holiday break, I allowed myself the rest of the afternoon to play games on my computer and watch football. Give yourself permission to adjust to the change so that you can approach the next day and the day after that relaxed and focused.