How do you get (and keep) your teenage son motivated?
The short answer is, YOU can't. But you can help him.
In 2019, I wrote the first version of this post for Psychology Today. It is one of my most read posts from that site, which I think is in large part due to the constant struggle we face, as parents, with motivating our teenagers. In case you don’t know my background, I am a clinical psychologist who has also been raising three teenage boys, two of whom have now entered their 20s. In addition, I teach college psychology classes, with motivation being one of my favorite topics to cover in Intro Psych. We look at motivation as typically considered being intrinsic (i.e. activities that we do that are motivating in and of themselves, that bring us joy, that we simply do because we want to) or extrinsic (i.e. activities that bring us some kind of external gain, like money or praise or recognition by someone else). Motivation affects us all, whether pursuing a specific goal, struggling through the work of therapy, or just getting out of bed and going to school or work. As a psychologist and an educator, I would like to impress upon my own children the importance of developing an intrinsic motivation to lifelong learning and growth, but I do not think teenage boys necessarily study simply because they are inspired by learning and the overall value of learning. By watching my two sons who are now in their 20s, I see, though, that motivation evolves and develops throughout his individual development.
It is an unfortunate myth that we tend to think of teenagers, and boys especially, as being unmotivated. I don’t think they are unmotivated. Rather, I think teenage boys are trying, like many adults, to figure out their own individual motivation and what gets them going. Life in adolescence tends to be set up as revolving around a series of extrinsic motivators (things like grades, money, praise, wins, goals) that give some kind of external value or meaning to what they do. Younger kids tend to be intrinsically motivated to play and have fun and do activities they simply enjoy to do, but we, as parents, tend to place external value on behavior outcomes as they get older. Once school starts for children, an intrinsic desire to learn and read may result in good grades that then become a focus into high school. An internal desire to shoot baskets may end up resulting in winning a close game for your basketball team. Often times, kids, especially teenager boys, then get used to placing value on the consequences and become motivated by external rewards. But as we move from childhood and into adolescence and into adulthood, we need to have some internal desire to do the things we do. We want our teenage sons to find purpose and meaning, relying on intrinsic, or internal, motivation to keep them going when times are difficult. As a parent, you cannot force kids, especially teenage boys, to develop internal motivation but there are some things you can do to help:
1) You have to naturally trust the process and allow them to explore interests on their own.
We have expectations, as parents, that tend to become even more apparent during our kids’ teenage years. However, we have to allow our teenage boys to find and develop the things that THEY like. For example, when each of our three sons were in kindergarten, we started music lessons. Music is important to us, as parents, and we wanted to begin cultivating this as soon as possible. However, we shortly learned that getting our sons to practice was tedious, bordering on painful, and we dropped each of the lessons after about a year (parenting fail, maybe, but live and learn). During high school, though, each of our teenage sons turned to music in their own way, pursuing skills on their own, watching videos and practicing without us being involved. One got into DJ’ing, one joined a band, one is trying to see how many instruments he can learn. None of this came from lifelong music lessons or an eye on a future goal. The skills developed simply because they enjoyed it. Developmental theorists agree that the teenage years are about creating a sense of identity and autonomy. We have to let our teenage boys do that and support their healthy interests along the way.
2) You want your teenage sons to have a balance of intrinsic and extrinsic motivation that mirrors regular adult life.
As adults, we need to find joy and purpose in getting out of bed every day (i.e. intrinsic motivation) but we also do realistically need money in order to live (i.e. extrinsic motivation). It is important for our teenage boys to develop a realistic presentation of what life as an adult is like while teaching important concepts like hard work and finding purpose in mundane tasks. You can help them develop this understanding by having open conversations about their future and goals and supporting their dreams as much as you can. Have these conversations early and often, giving him space to determine not what his parents want, but what is important to him.
3) Acknowledge to your teenage son the positive impact of what he does on other people.
Our teenage sons need to develop a sense of who they are in the world. As such, he may need guidance to see that what he does impacts other people. Tell your son that what he did made you happy. Show him the smiles of his teammates’ faces after a big win. Tell him when you are proud of his hard work. This praise may sound like external motivation, but your teenage son is still learning from you and noting these positive responses can help him internalize those responses so he can recognize them later himself. Your son can be guided to bring out the best in himself and other people but this does not happen overnight or on its own. Encourage your son to recognize the impact of his actions on himself and on other people.
4) Avoid constant use of positive reinforcement (i.e. praise, money) for activities your teenage boys should be doing anyway.
We get caught up in trying to find ways to force our teenage sons to do the things we want him to do. He may get paid for helping around the house. Or you heap on the praise when he does an activity that you have signed him up for. Part of growing up, though, is doing things you need to do, without any consistent reinforcement. Our older sons, now in their 20s, have an understanding of the need for household chores and helping out those with whom you live. When they come home for school breaks, they naturally join in and help out, even when they probably would just rather be sleeping or hanging out with friends. (To be fair, our only teenager left at home has also developed this as well, in large part being the youngest and watching his brothers.) You want to encourage productive behavior but relying on constant positive reinforcement teaches your son that he does not need to develop intrinsic motivation. He needs to find the internal drive to do what he should be doing.
5) Explore with your teenage son if his lack of motivation response is due to depression or some internal or situational difficulty.
While we, as parents, want to help develop intrinsic motivation in our sons, sometimes he just may appear unmotivated. Carefully observing our teenage sons can give us insight into his life, which we need to realize is separate from our own life, and can show us potential difficulties he might be experiencing. We need be aware of the impact of stress on our teenage sons and consider how to respond appropriately. Don’t be afraid to ask your teenage son directly about depression, bullying, or academic pressures and provide support as needed, if it appears he does not have motivation. Know he may not be open about his feelings but trust your instincts and call in the help of a therapist if you think there is more to his lack of motivation.