How frequently should I contact my teenage son at college?
The short answer: there is no right or wrong answer
The other day I saw a question posed on a popular parenting site: “How often do you text your college student?” With a teenage son in college and one heading that way in the fall, I was interested in how parents would respond to this. The first response I read was, “I text my son every day to say ‘I love you.’” Immediately, as moms on social media often do, I briefly felt guilty. I don’t text my son every day. I kept reading the responses and a few down said, “If I texted my son every day he’d block my number.” I laughed and realized I probably could have written that response. I started thinking about communication, especially when our kids move out. Communication with teenage sons can be a tricky business and many of us, as parents, feel like we are winging it daily, trying to navigate pulling information from him and then him opening up at midnight when he really needs to talk. It can be a delicate dance when he is living at home, but when he moves out, how, and how often, are we, as parents, supposed to communicate with our teenage sons?
1- Think about your expectations
When they live at home, it is relatively easy to talk to our teenage sons daily. He comes home from school and you ask how his day was. Communication might revolve around meals and schedules but there is daily talk. One of my personal adjustments when our oldest son moved to college was realizing I needed to balance wanting to know everything he was doing and how it was going with also giving him his deserved freedom and independence. When he left, I expected to get daily updates about all of his classes, the people he met, what he was eating, and how he was feeling. But quickly I realized MY expectations needed to be adjusted.
2- Think about his expectations
My middle son recently questioned how I responded when he or his brothers call me on the phone. “What’s wrong?” had been a common way I answered the phone, as most calls tended to revolve around either a crisis, or needing to be picked up somewhere or needing money. A few weeks ago, middle son, the high school senior, said, “Mom, if you want me to call when I’m in college, you can’t always assume something is wrong.” Point taken. Sometimes, our sons just want to chat and we need to encourage them to do so. Our teenage sons will likely want to stay in touch with us and expect emotional support even when he cannot articulate his feelings. He may expect you to listen when he calls but may not be expecting to talk to you daily, or even weekly. He is likely expecting you to be there when he needs you. Find a way to balance what he expects with what you expect.
3- Expect, and be okay with, changes
Our oldest son left for college and we agreed to weekly Sunday FaceTime calls. He knew he could call anytime, but we wanted to set a routine to know we would talk to, and see, him once a week. That schedule lasted approximately two weeks. He started to get busy studying and adjusting to college life. Texts about his schedule were answered at midnight or put off to the next day. “Can I check in tomorrow?” was a question posed when asked about FaceTime. As his parents, though, we knew that this was normal and, like most things in parenting, we had to be okay with changes that occurred. We tried to make the most of the communication time we did have with our son and not make him feel guilty for working hard and enjoying this new part of his life. We enjoyed the FaceTime calls when we got them and did not take it personally when he was unable to call every week. Like every good plan, we had to adjust and be okay with changes in the plan.
4- Communication patterns are malleable
The way we talk to our teenage sons changes as they move from high school to college. The patterns we have with our teenage son in college may not be the same pattern we will have with him as an adult. I think parents often worry that their relationship with their teenage son in the present will be the relationship they will have in the future. Our communication with our teenage son provides a foundation for the adult relationship and we need to know that a lack of communication with him now does not mean a lack of communication forever. Teenage boys moving out are further developing their own identities, separate from their parents, which is part of life and is normal. So try not to catastrophize and think your relationship is ruined just because you do not have regular communication with your college son. These communication patterns are malleable and will continue to change as he moves into adulthood.
5- Every family, and relationship, is different
When I saw the first response from the parent who texted their son daily, I immediately felt guilty that I should be texting our son every day. But that was a fleeting guilt because I knew, much like the later responder, our son would not respond if I texted him every single day. And I did not want to infringe on his life with a daily barrage of questions. While I do consider us to have a close relationship, I also know that he needs to have his own life and experiences as he develops through late adolescence/early adulthood. We have our own communication patterns that have worked well during his first year away from home even if it is, at times, sporadic and not on a set schedule. But what works for our family might not work for others. The important thing is to find your own way and find what works to nurture your relationship with your teenage son as he moves through life, even off at college.