How should we discuss dating violence with our teenage sons?
Tips for communicating with our sons about violence in relationships
The October edition of the APA Monitor (the monthly magazine for the American Psychological Association) includes a report examining dating violence in teenagers. The report aims to raise awareness by providing information about dating violence and current interventions. None of us want to think of our teenage sons as being violent. We model nonviolence at home and assume that our sons will follow our lead. We talked to our sons early in their teenage years about violence and respect in relationships. In general, though, we tend to think of dating violence in terms of female victims, and this report raises important statistics that show our teenage sons might be suffering as well. Almost 20% of teenagers experience dating violence, with surveys indicating about 51% of females and 43% of males reporting being the victim of dating violence. So we need to talk to our sons about dating violence, not just to prevent them from being perpetrators but also to prevent them from being victims. In March, I wrote a post discussing talking to our teenage sons about sex, advising to have the conversations early and often, to bring up the topic so your son does not have to, and to discuss sex within the context of relationships. Given recent readings about the rise of sextortion of teenage boys , we need to think about conversations related to sex and relationships with our teenage sons in broad terms and not just the basics of sex. We need to talk about violence and expectations in relationships to give him a foundation for seeking out healthy relationships, within the context of technology that many of us, as parents, struggle to fully understand. So this week, I want to offer five reminders or suggestions when we talk to our teenage sons about sex and relationships in general:
1-Much of the violence in teenage dating behavior is mutual.
Any discussion about sex and relationships with your teenage son, or younger son, should incorporate a discussion of personal safety. We want to be sure our teenage sons don’t use violence in their interpersonal relationships, and we talk about consent, but we also need to make sure that they understand they, too, can be the target of violent behavior and how to potentially handle violent situations. Our teenage sons need to enter dating relationships with an appreciation of personal safety for them and for whom they are date.
2-Discuss different types of violence with your teenage son.
Typically when we think of relationship violence we think of physical behavior. But violence can take different forms and we need to prepare our teenage sons for other types of violence, besides direct physical behavior. Violence can also be verbal or psychological so we need to discuss with our teenage sons what is appropriate and what is not. He needs to be prepared for violence to take forms other than direct physical forms.
3-You are helping your son set a foundation for adult relationships.
Any relationship your teenage son forms, whether it is with friends, romantic interest, or even a boss, will have an impact on his adult relationships. Over the last few months, much has been said about loneliness in men, which I think could be, in part, impacted by teenage boys learning how to foster and develop meaningful relationships with others staring in adolescence. In other words, we want our teenage sons to develop relationships free of violence but involving connections and shared interests. Be sure your teenage son is seeking out others who treat him well and that he responds accordingly.
4-Keep the conversations about relationships going.
Much like talking about sex, conversations about relationships in general need to continue in order to help prevent violence. Bring up the concept of safety in a way that feels comfortable for you and how you discuss serious topics with your teenage son. But talk about it. Ask your teenage son directly and indirectly about his relationship. He does not have to tell you all the details of a relationship but if you show interest, he may be more likely to come to you if there are problems. Watch for signs of trouble, keep lines of communication open, and allow him to be open with you about discussing his relationship.
5-Meet your son’s romantic interest.
To be honest, I am putting this suggestion last because I don’t want anyone to envision the movie “Meet the Parents.” But I do think it is helpful for us, as parents of teenage sons, to meet not only our son’s friends but also his romantic interests. When we are trying to prevent relationship violence for our teenage son, if we see him interact with others we might have a better idea of how he functions in a relationship. Even a brief interaction during a movie drop off can give you an idea of who this romantic interest is and how they interact with your son. Once you have a personal connection, it may make it easier to ask questions or make your son more comfortable to talk to you about his relationship. Just remember, though, that even if you really like this person your teenage son is interested in, he is still your teenage son and you must try to protect and influence HIM to become a healthy productive adult.
#2 is especially important! B/c our society still hasn't fully accepted the idea that emotional abuse is abuse, or the idea that guys can be victims of interpersonal violence too, many teenage guys put up with coercive, controlling behavior from romantic interests. Our boys need to know that is it it NOT okay for someone to demand all their time & attention. They need to know that, in a healthy relationship, both people encourage the other to pursue their personal interests & other friendships as well.
Lee, the Mt Brook police is having a meeting open to all on October 25 at 6:00 at Mt Brook High School about Sextation!!