How should you handle educational concerns about your teenage son?
Five tips to help parents address school difficulties
When I was working in private practice, I focused primarily on assessments, because I enjoy getting to know a client on a deeper level and trying to understand and help solve a particular problem. As a child and adolescent psychologist, most of my referrals were boys and centered around school, behavior and learning problems. The more assessments I did, the more I realized that just because I provided a diagnosis with thorough recommendations did not mean that the recommendations would be followed. Families are stressed, school systems are stressed, so the modifications in school and home life that could help little Johnny learn were often difficult to implement. From learning disabilities to ADHD to depression, treatments and educational modifications exist that can positively impact a child’s learning and overall functioning, but, often, getting adults on board can be tedious. In fact, much of what I ended up doing as part of the follow-up process for assessments was help parents try to navigate the school systems to help achieve the changes that were needed, after getting the parents to recognize that something was, in fact, needed. The difficulties in obtaining services are magnified once the client becomes a teenager and moves into middle school and high school. Typically, there are multiple teachers and school administrators involved, in addition to parents, so having a singular plan that is carried out year to year can be tricky. As a parent, how should you handle educational concerns about your teenage son?
1-Ask questions.
If your son is failing a class in high school, you have to start by asking some questions. Ask HIM questions. Ask the teacher some questions. Ask yourself some questions about what you see and what you think might be happening. There are so many reasons your teenage son might be performing poorly so your first step is gathering information. I’ve seen boys who start failing because of substance abuse that their parents did not know about. I’ve seen boys who start failing because of depression. One of our own sons was doing poorly in a class because he did not like the teacher and developed the “I’ll show her” attitude, refusing to do what he deemed to be busy work. (That worked well…) I’ve seen boys who start failing because they have poor time management skills. If you want to address the problem, you have to start asking questions to try to figure out what to do next.
2-Trust your instincts.
When our sons moved from elementary school to middle school they became eligible to give input on whether they wanted to move into more advanced classes with input from current teachers and their parents. Two of our sons, though, were each told by a teacher (who retired before our third came along) that boys could not be expected to manage advanced classes if they also played sports in high school so she would not be recommending any boy athletes for the advanced track. As parents (who are both psychologists) we knew our own boys would do well when challenged academically and assumed teachers would see it the same way. The first time it happened, we were honestly shocked, especially because this teacher had been well-liked by our son and was also the mom of boys so we assumed he would receive her stamp of approval. But we trusted our instincts and went over her recommendation to put our son in advanced classes, which he was able to easily manage while playing sports. When it happened the second time, a year later with our second son, we rolled our eyes because we knew our instincts were proven correct with our first so we, again, put our son on the advanced track. If your teenage son starts performing poorly, acknowledge and trust your parental instincts when you determine how to proceed.
3-Advocate for your son.
The biggest piece of advice that I give to parents is that you are going to be the best advocate for your son. When your son moves into middle or high school it may be tricky to find out who can help with curriculum adjustments or special circumstances. As a parent, you have to be the one to talk to the counselor, talk to the nurse, talk to the principal. Set up meetings and advocate for your son. There is a difference between advocating for him and being a helicopter parent. Making sure he has extra time on exams because of his long-standing ADHD is not the same thing as taking the test for him or arguing with a teacher about his grade that you think is unfair. Maybe your son needs a different learning environment to succeed in high school, such as an online or home school option. Do your research and advocate for your son in the best way you can.
4-Consult experts.
A few sessions with a psychologist can help provide insight into problems your son might be having that may be affecting his learning. An evaluation can help provide some possible answers and give you guidance on how to structure his learning environment. You can consult your son’s pediatrician (just because he is a teenager does not mean he outgrows the pediatrician) to get advice. Teenage boys have unique struggles so find someone who has experience and ask them questions. Seeking advice from experts can help put his difficulties into perspective and give you proven techniques to improve his learning.
5-Work together with your son to set realistic expectations.
If your teenage son is struggling in school, it might be time to think about what your expectations are for his performance, what his expectations are for his performance, and address concerns you might have. Some boys barely squeak by in high school because they want to spend more time and energy developing a trade skillset. Some boys start to struggle because they have been pushed by their parents and want to take an easier course load in high school to balance with sports and work commitments. Some parents expect all As and believe that anything other than that is a failure. Think about what your expectations are, talk to your son about his expectations, and see if they can align. This may be the time you start to realize your son might not go to college like you had dreamed for him to. The sooner you realize that and help him develop a working plan to get through high school, the better.
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