Parenting new year's resolutions
Use the upcoming new year as a time to reflect and plan your intention as a parent
A few years ago, I submitted a draft of this to be posted on a popular website on New Year’s Day. The feedback I got was, “We had to make some changes to make it more general, because everyone is writing about new year’s resolutions.” But that was the point and I’ve rewritten and changed some things for 2023 as I’ve done each year since. Every new year, I make resolutions for myself, all the typical stuff in various forms, but that was the first time I thought about making resolutions to help guide me through the new year as a parent of teenage boys. Several years in, now is the time to revisit some resolutions as we anticipate 2023 and all that it holds. A lot of discussion surrounding new year’s resolutions focuses on unrealistic expectations and fear of failure. But it is also a time to renew focus, start fresh, learn from the past and move forward into the future. There is concern that people set themselves up to fail when they have resolutions but, as a parent trying to strengthen our relationships with our teenage sons, resolutions can help direct our focus as we enter a new year and try to live that year with intention. So what are your personal parenting resolutions for 2023? Here are mine:
1-Let him take some risks.
Limit-setting is an important part of raising kids. We want to keep them alive so we try to keep them as contained as we can. Once they become teenagers, though, we have to remember that even as adults we take risks and make mistakes so we have to be okay with our sons taking risks. That is not to say I want him to jump out of an airplane but this year I will be okay with my sons taking some risks and trust that we are instilling them with values to help them make ultimately good decisions.
2-Spend time with him.
Time is precious and I want to spend time with my sons. With one living across the country and another heading to college in the fall, I value the time spent with each of my teenage sons. But I also know that forcing them to be in the same room with me does not equate quality time so it is up to me to find activities that we can do together that are fun for us to do as a family. I have learned a lot in the last year from listening to what my sons are interested in and asking them questions. This year, as they move towards adulthood, I want to continue to learn from them, whether it is music or movies or hobbies or academic pursuits, and spend time getting to know their individual interests and doing activities together that support these interests.
3-Model healthy relationships.
As a parent, I am realistic and know that my sons learn more from what I do then what I say. I can tell my sons how to approach friendships or romantic relationships but they are much more likely to watch how my husband and I interact or how we are with friends to learn lessons about how to nurture relationship in their own lives. I want to allow my sons to develop their own relationships but also to see a model at home of what healthy long-term relationships look like and what it takes to sustain them.
4-Let him separate.
I thought I was good at maintaining boundaries and allowing my sons to have their space. And then my oldest went off to college and I missed him and the day to day details of his life. While I wanted to know how each and every one of his classes were and what he had for breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day and how he slept and what he was planning for the weekend, I realized that he needed space. We had raised him for this: to move out on his own and develop into an adult. Our middle son goes to college next year and we joke that our youngest teenage son will them be smothered by us. But it is important to resist that urge, and allow our teenage sons some separation from us so that they can develop into themselves. Because I will be forced to, I will work on allowing each of my teenage sons some separation.
5-Keep communication lines open.
Getting a teenage son to talk can be tricky and sometimes futile. Teenagers need to communicate and connect with their parents but often this does not occur on our timetable. This is particularly challenging when one teenage son moves out, say to go to college. It’s important to be available for those moments when he does want to talk. Answer the phone when he calls. Respond to that text. Be around physically when your teenage son leaves his bedroom. Try to be present with your son and ready for those moments of openness.
Happy new year to all of you raising teenage sons!