Should I tell my teenage son about my own mental illness?

Five considerations before disclosing your own diagnosis

During my doctoral internship, I was working with a family as part of a Family Therapy rotation in our program. My Ph.D. was in Child-Clinical Psychology, so there was lots of coursework about children, adolescents, and family dynamics but until my internship, no specific clinical training in family therapy. It was in depth with coursework and a seminar and supervised sessions. I loved the sessions, in part because of our amazing supervisors and in part because you never really knew what the true focus of the sessions would be. With so many moving parts in a family, often there is a lot of work involved in assessing the family function but also exploring the underlying issues. This particular family I only saw a few times but I remember when I was working with just the mom and dad (as is typical in family therapy, some sessions are everyone and then some are pieces of the family, depending on the issues). There were broad family interactions we were trying to address but the parents had a pressing concern about whether or not to tell their 13-year-old son that dad was diagnosed with depression. Wanting to be a “good family therapist” and knowing my supervisor was watching behind the mirror, I encouraged them to do so. But in my ear (supervision can include bug-in-the-ear training where the supervisor talks directly to the trainee during the session, so I was getting real-time feedback), my supervisor wanted me to ask more questions and get more information before simply stating YES!

Since my internship, I have worked with an adult or two who has wondered this same question: should I tell my teenager about my mental health diagnosis? It’s a legitimate question, given stigma involved with mental health and concerns about how they may handle the information. But in order to reduce stigma, we need open communication, especially with our teenage sons. And those of us parenting teenage sons struggle, in general, with sharing information about our own behavior as teenagers/young adults. So if you have a mental health concern, and are the parent of a teenage son, think about the following as you shape your conversation with him about your own mental health:

1- Why are you sharing the information?

As with any big conversation you have with your teenage son, think about why you want to share the information in the first place. I encourage parents to be intentional with discussions, especially about mental health, and have a reason in place for sharing the information. You know your son best and just as you would with anyone you discuss your mental health with, think about why you want to share with your teenage son.

2- Think of what your son can handle

When we talk about difficult topics in therapy and sharing information with children, we emphasize the importance of using age-appropriate language. When it relates to teenage sons, what you share with a 13-year-old might be vastly different from what you share with an 18-year-old. Before you share your diagnosis with your son, think about what you think he can handle. Your older teenage son can likely more easily understand the nuances of panic attacks than a younger teenager. And you may want to reserve discussions of personality disorders or substance use disorders until your son is older.

3- Use it as an opportunity for him to see you as a human

As our sons get older, we want them to start to connect with us as humans. Humans are flawed and beautiful at the same time. Sharing your depression with your teenage son can illustrate your humanity and can show him how you struggle but also fight through challenges. If you disclose a mental disorder with your son, and discuss your treatment with him, it can help him see the work you are doing. We all try to do our best when it comes to parenting but our teenage sons can start to see us as individuals when a mental health concern is shared.

4- Normalize the conversation about mental health, mental wellness, and healthy habits

Talking to our teenage sons about our own mental health encourages them to do the same. Just as you want your son to see you making healthy food choices, you want your son to see you making health choices regarding your own mental health. In addition, you want your son to feel comfortable talking about his own emotions, when he is having a bad day, or conflict with someone else. Disclosing a specific diagnosis and what you are doing to address it can normalize the mental health conversation.

5- Be SURE he does not feel he has to fix you

As our teenage sons move into adulthood, we start to relate to them more as adults. But it is key to remember that we are, and will always be, parents. You don’t have to disclose your mental wellbeing with your son but open communication can facilitate connection. Our sons are not responsible for our mental health. As I encourage others to be open with their teenage sons about mental health, do not put the burden of care on your teenage son. Share information with him but do so in a way that provides connection but does not ask for assistance.