Should I worry if my teenage son plays video games?

My thoughts as a psychologist and a mom

One of the major concerns a lot of us have as parents of teenage boys is how they spend their time. We want them to have friends and find activities that are enjoyable and productive. It can be hard to guide teenage boys to activities, and by teenage  years, his interests tend to be less likely to be influenced by parents. One of the controversial activities in which many teenage boys are involved is video games. When I was growing up, I was not into video games nor did I understand them, as none of my friends were into them either. But when I met my husband, he played video games, so I tried to learn a little but it did not get me very far. When our boys were younger and started to play video games, I, as a mom and a child psychologist, started to worry. But I watched the games they were playing at the time and saw the problem solving skills they were developing and the entertainment they had playing with their friends and each other. As the boys got older, and moved into adolescence, some of the video games became more violent and I struggled to watch. I was not sure this was how I wanted them to spend their time. My husband and I had conversations about my concerns, which he acknowledged while assuring me it was okay. He sometimes plays video games alongside our boys and they talk about story lines, reality, and strategy. I was in graduate school when Columbine happened and remember when everyone blamed violent video games for the horror. But over the years I had also kept up with the complex nature of violence and the research that examined the effects of video games on adolescent behavior. Aside from the research, which tends to show NO effect of violent video games on actual violent behavior, there are five factors that made me feel okay about my teenage sons playing video games:

1-Social relationships

Technological advances mean that when our teenage sons play video games, they often do so with others. I believe that video games helped our boys survive the early days of the pandemic lockdown. When they could not see their friends in person, they could play video games and chat while doing so. Late at night, when we have gone to bed, we often hear our boys chatting with their friends while playing video games. Playing these games allows them to maintain social relationships and share interests with their friends.

2-Problem solving skills

Research has actually shown that video games helps kids develop problem solving skills. Violent or not, video games put players in an alternate reality that they would not encounter and forces them to solve some type of problem, such as defeating zombies or reaching a finish line. When you worry about your son playing video games, try to reframe the concern and think about what these games are teaching him.

3-Keeps them at home

There have been Friday nights when my teenage son has said he wants to play video games and I selfishly get excited because I know that means I don’t have to drive him around or worry when he is getting home.  Despite each of their social lives often taking them out and about with their friends, I like having my boys at home. As a mom, I am reassured knowing they are under my roof, so if they want to play video games, I embrace it, knowing where they are.

4-Insight into their world

Raising adolescent boys is constantly learning what they like and what they don’t. When your son chooses to play video games, it can give you insight into who they are. Maybe that is a little scary if he is choosing violent video games, but perhaps he wants to be the hero and save the day or maybe he is using the game to work out aggression he naturally feels. Talk to your son about what he plays, what he likes and what he does not. It can open the door to communication if you ask questions and try to learn.

5-Everything in moderation

My approach, as a parent and a psychologist, toward video games is similar to that of many things in my sons’ lives- as long as it is done in moderation, they will be okay. We talk about how they spend their time and potential concerns. There are times when I worry about them playing but I also know they are staying up on their school work, spending time with friends and family in person, and staying physically active. So if video games are a piece of their lives, as long as it is not the only piece, I am okay with that.