Should you tell a friend their teenage son is messing up?

Thoughts before you pick up the phone to tell a friend what you know about their son

I quit Facebook years ago. When my boys were little, I enjoyed it as a space to vent about parenting and post cute pictures of them in Halloween costumes. But once they approached adolescence, I became a bit more sensitive to what I was seeing. There were posts in the neighborhood group about teenage boys speeding that included their license plates, there were posts about boys being too boisterous at football games. But the final straw came when someone posted that they were upset that a group of boys (including my own 13 year old son) crossed the street without utilizing a crosswalk. I laughed, thinking it was a joke, but then realized I didn’t even know this person and they were putting a group of boys (who had just received citizenship awards from the city for helping police catch a pharmacy thief, by the way) on blast for crossing the street? I hated the idea that teenage boys would be criticized publicly, so I quit. Even though I quit the public forum, while raising teenage boys I have still been faced with dealing with their (and other teenage boys’) misbehavior. When it comes to our own sons, we have family consequences that are implemented, but what happens when you, as an adult, witness or hear about misbehavior in another teenage boy? If you don’t know him, you’ll likely do nothing. But what if it is a friend of your son? Or what if you are friends with his parents? Should you alert his parents? Would we, as parents, want another adult to tell us when our son was messing up? What is the best path to take? Here are some things to consider, if you learn about another teenage boy’s misbehavior:

1) Are you truly friends with his parents?

Over the years, our own teenage boys have certainly messed up. The most impactful communications we have had about these problems have come, ONLY, from people whom we, as a family, care about and who we know care about us. I had a conversation with a peripheral “friend” who was attempting to point out problems with one of my son’s language during a video game that she had overheard while her son was playing. Her approach, however, was much more accusatory and negative than the situation warranted. While I told her I would handle it, I was annoyed that she was making a big deal out of nothing. It did allow me to have a conversation with my own son about language and parents who might be listening, but it also created further distance between me and this “friend”, who I felt had overstepped. When we learn about behavior difficulties of other teenage boys, as parents we need to consider if we have a close relationship with fellow parents and can provide empathy and understanding, rather than being perceived as judgmental.

2) How bad is the behavior?

Complaining about teenage boys speeding or being loud has been around for ages. Many of us, as parents of boys, realize early in his development that he is going to mess up. As parents, we make daily judgments about our own son’s behavior and how problematic the behavior is. While we may have different thresholds for misbehavior, if you hear about or see another teenage boy doing something wrong, really think about how bad the behavior actually is and does it impact your own son. Yes, it is a judgment call, but if it isn’t THAT bad, is it really worth talking to his parents? On the other hand, if you think it is something that really needs to be addressed, like drug use or bullying behavior, then perhaps it is worth a phone call.

3) Would you want to know, if it were your son?

Before you contact another parent about potential misbehavior, take a true honest look at whether you would really want to know about what your son was doing all of the time. I know that my teenage sons aren’t perfect little angels. But, to be fair, neither were we at their age. We are supposed to mess up and learn and grow, especially during adolescence. So think about another teenage boy’s misbehavior like your own son’s- is it necessary for safety for you to tell his parents? Do they need to know he’s making some really poor choices? Think about what you would need to know about your own son and use that to guide whether you tell your friend.

4) Is it a pattern you see happening from the outside?

When you see a teenage boy do something once, you don’t know the circumstances in his life that directed the behavior. But when you see something happen repeatedly, like disrespect towards you or borderline criminal behavior, then maybe it is time to say something. If you are friends with his parents, it might be easier for someone from the outside to give a little perspective, in a kind and caring way, about potential problems you see, but be careful that you don’t assume a pattern of behavior just from something done once or twice.

5) Do you share good behavior with your friend?

Parenting teenage boys can involve a lot of focus on the negative. We are desperately trying to fix problematic behavior so that our sons grow up into healthy happy civilized adults. It can be scary and overwhelming, but there is also a lot of fun and good that comes from parenting teenage boys. When you see another teenage boy doing something good, do you share that with his parents? Brag on your son’s friends and other teenage boys when you see them being helpful. It brings me such joy to send a quick text to a friend when her son comes over and is polite, or helps my son out, or is interested in community. It is easy to point out problems with teenage boys but if you don’t point out the positive, then maybe you need to keep looking.