Therapy and parenting teenage sons

Reflections after reading BAD THERAPY

I recently finished reading a book called Bad Therapy: Why the Kids Aren’t Growing Up by Abigail Shrier, which argues that mental health experts are, in large part, responsible for the distress experienced by young people today. And while I do agree that not all therapy is good therapy and we, as parents, need to be educated about what we are putting our children through before we sign them up for therapy, I am not sure that all of the ills of teenagers can be placed simply on the mental health awareness of today’s culture and am overuse of therapy. In fact, to some degree, the increase in awareness of mental health and psychological constructs can help make us better parents. As I was reading, I realized that the book encapsulates our fears as parents. Are we doing it wrong? Are we making mistakes? We are all looking for answers but the answers are often more complicated than we’d like. And many of us do have the luxury of being able to seek out experts to help us along the way, which is not a bad thing. As a spoiler, I don’t think therapy is causing the mental health ills of teenagers today. It is far too simplistic to focus on a singular cause. As a psychologist and mom I would never dissuade anyone from pursuing therapy for their teenage son or talking to him about his feelings and emotional experience, but I would encourage parents to really address their own emotions as well . From my reading, here are five general thoughts related to parenting teenage sons:

1) Parenting in the information age can be overwhelming.

It is difficult, even with a Ph.D., to make sense of all the parenting information out in the world. Pick up any parenting book and you’ll likely read a convincing argument that their way is the best way. But try to implement the techniques in your own parenting journey and you may not have the same success. Google a specific parenting problem you are having and you’ll get more results than you can possibly read. Between books and social media influencers and the internet and your own parents’ input and your friends’ views and your mentor’s perspective, it can be tedious making sense of what might work for you, in your situation, with your son’s personality and individual challenges as you parent your teenage son. Interpreting research can be confusing, with varied perspectives depending on who is looking at what data (e.g. how is social media and technology impacting teens’ functioning?) Let’s acknowledge that even with more information, parenting teenage sons can be overwhelming.

2) Try not to get bogged down in the details.

In terms of discipline and teenage boys, families have to decide what is acceptable and what is not. It is often said that as kids get bigger, their problems get bigger. The book did address the point that many well-meaning teachers and parents immediately look to therapists to help with “normal” difficulties that teens may have. As a parent, maybe we need to step back as much as we can and look at the big picture with our teenage sons. What kind of path is he on? How does he function overall at school, at home, with his friends? In the teenage years with boys, the potential for messing up grows, especially when you turn over driving privileges and add more freedom. But often if we are hyper-focused on correcting every single mistake our teenage son makes then we never give him a chance to truly succeed. If he is ten minutes late for curfew, maybe that is okay if he was taking care of a friend. Or maybe he will learn from an appropriate punishment but look at the details within the context of a bigger picture.

3) We need community to raise children, especially teenage boys.

Our teenage boys need adult mentors and guides. And as parents we need others to help us along the way. In my opinion, the book took issue with parents reaching out to therapists, teachers, and others for guidance when they felt there was a problem. But ultimately, aren’t we all in this together? Yes, as parents, we have ultimate responsibility for our children, but they don’t raise themselves and we don’t raise them in a vacuum. Particularly when it comes to parenting teenage boys, we need other trusted adults (grandparents, friends, community leaders, teachers, coaches) to help us along with way. I became frustrated while reading, as it sounded like the author did not think we should seek out experts. Sometimes it is important to get the perspectives of others, even though we need to be choosey about whom we trust.

4) Parents tend to receive blame when things go wrong but don’t get credit when things go well.

First, let me be clear, I do NOT think parents should get credit for our sons’ successes (yes, this applies to daughters too, but I am writing for an audience that is parenting teenage boys so bear with me.) We are the ones guiding them through this part of life but their decisions are their own. We give consequences when they make mistakes and we applaud when they succeed. But one thing that struck me, as I was reading this book, was that it seems to imply that parents are doing it wrong. We are NOT setting limits on screen time like we should. We are NOT promoting family dinners like we should. We are NOT finding the right resource or even recognizing our children do not need said resource (like therapy). But here’s the thing, we are all, as parents, doing the best we can with what we have. So maybe less blame and guilt induction and more empowerment and celebrating what we are doing right?

5) There ARE bad therapists.

As a psychologist, my final take home point is that yes, there are bad therapists. Just like there are bad members of any profession. But that does not mean we should admonish all therapy and bemoan the fact that our society has become more therapy/mental health aware. It IS important to talk about mental health, just like we talk about physical health. I don’t think we have to do hourly mental health check-ins at school but therapy and the process of therapy needs to be protected at all costs. No, therapy is not going to make everyone better. Some might get worse, depending on the type of therapy, the mental health condition, the therapist, and other factors. But that does not mean it is bad therapy. Therapy is a relationship between therapist and client. Just like you would with entrusting your child to any other adult, it is up to parents to seek out a therapist that is a good fit and can be helpful. The author was obviously impacted by her own experience with therapy, particularly that her therapist told her before her own wedding that she was not ready for marriage. But to me, that is an issue with the individual therapist, not therapy as a whole. My hope is that people don’t read the book and get turned off of therapy as a resource, as there are so many benefits.