On Tuesday, the Huffington Post ran an article titled “Is Being a ‘Bad Mom’ a Crime?” Of course the title is a bit hyperbolic as the article references the recent trial of the mother of a school shooter who was found guilty of manslaughter. The case made national headlines first for involving a tragic school shooting in Michigan but also because it was the first time a parent was tried in connection with their child’s crime. Given the timing of the verdict I thought I would use this week to put on my child psychologist hat and my parent hat and offer some thoughts related to the case:
1) None of us will be going on trial for parenting.
Despite the headline’s attention grab, this woman was not on trial for her parenting. She was on trial due to the fact that she was the last one with the gun and it never got locked before he took it to school. She and her husband appeared to have attempted to run from the police when they were charged. So while the article poses the question, “Is being a bad mom a crime?” that is not what this is about. We are all doing the best we can with what we have. The thought, “Am I a bad parent?” may keep some of us up at night, but that tends to just help us try to do better and be better the next day. There are many ways to parent and no jury will be able to make a determination of which way is best.
2) We have to pay attention to red flags in our teenage sons.
Looking back over the details of the trial, it is easy to see that red flags were ignored. His mother never told the school administration there was a gun at home. No one ever searched his backpack after problematic drawings were found. His mom had brushed off his texts to her that he was having hallucinations. You are the ones who know your teenage son so watch out for red flags. Address any changes in habits or behaviors. Take him seriously when he does reach out. Try to make sure that he knows his problems won’t be swept under the rug.
3) Mental health care for teenage boys is lacking.
Suffice it to say we need more mental health resources for teenagers, especially boys. Schools are typically spread thin and often parents do not know where to turn when they want to pursue mental health services for their teenage sons. In this case, the school administrators called a meeting with the parents, who left their son at school because they said they needed to get to work. Perhaps they did not know where to take him. Despite the fact that services are lacking it does not mean we shouldn’t try to find the best care for our sons. Ask for help finding interventions and perhaps find a resource you had not known existed.
4) We desperately want to understand school shootings.
Since the Columbine massacre in 1999, we have been fascinated by school shootings trying to figure out why they happen. Articles are written exploring the perpetrators’ backgrounds, interests, and family life. But if you watch the TED talk given by Sue Klebold, the mother of one of the Columbine shooters, you’ll see that these cases are ALWAYS complicated. There have been theories that have been debunked (No, video games DON’T cause school shootings). We won’t likely find a direct cause despite constant searches for answers because every single case is unique. The media coverage of the current trial and the subsequent article indicating parenting was on trial seems to point to our desire to understand and simplify how such horrific events can happen.
5) We still need a village to raise our teenage sons.
The concept of a village often applies to raising younger children, help with carpools, babysitting, and day-to-day management. As parents of teenage boys, we still want (and NEED) outside influences to help guide our children along their developmental journey. The village needs to continue throughout the teenage years. Reach out to teachers, coaches, tutors, We need other capable adults involved in our teenage sons’ lives to help give our sons guidance, look for warning signs, and help us along the parenting journey.
Thank you for this thoughtful post! I've followed the case in MI w interest (& horror). Your post cuts through the hyperbole & headlines and encourage parents to focus on what really matters.