What can you do if you are lonely as the parent of teenage sons?
Parenting teenage boys is a lonely venture. If you Google “loneliness parents teenage boys”, you end up with over 68,000,000 results. People have a lot to say about the loneliness that comes with parenting teenage boys. Often what is written acknowledges the loneliness that the writer feels without much being offered in terms of solutions. There is something therapeutic, though, about expressing that loneliness so that others read it and know they are not alone. Even though there is much written about loneliness and parenting, if you look for actual research on loneliness and parents, the results are much more limited and almost always focused on parents of younger children. We also know that loneliness has become a growing societal problem and the need for social support, in general, is key to many aspects of health, including longevity. In what seems like a perspective shift, as parents, we don’t tend to focus on our own loneliness, but rather look at our teenage sons and try to be sure they are not the lonely ones. I have written before about loneliness in teenage boys and what to look for. While we need to stay aware of the struggles our boys face, we also need to look in the mirror and be sure we address our own needs as well.
In a New York Times opinion piece over the weekend (https://www.nytimes.com/2023/03/19/opinion/teen-adult-depression-anxiety.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare) the author speculates our teenage kids are struggling because we, as parents, are struggling. He notes that while there is, rightfully, much focus on the mental health of teenagers today, there should be examination as well of the mental health of the adults in their lives and how that impacts teenagers. He points to culture wars and online outrage contributing to the anxiety and depression of adults which could easily impact how teenagers feel. The piece was striking to me as it pointed out the sacrifice we tend to make as parents, focusing on our kids first, and neglecting our own needs. As the parent of teenage boys, though, we need to acknowledge that our sons are getting older and while the worries continue, they will eventually move out on their own. While we are helping them do so, we need to be sure that we do not become lonely.
If you are lonely, as a parent of teenage boys, what can you do?
1-Protect your relationships.
In raising our teenage sons, we want to remember that we are trying to establish a solid functional relationship that continues into his adulthood. It can be lonely but the goal is to establish a connection with your child that continues for life. Protecting your son, and his privacy, can often be a hurdle for parents trying to seek support from others. When your teenage son messes up, the behavior often has greater consequences than misbehavior when he was younger. Should you tell your entire social circle that your son is in danger of failing out of high school because he does not care to study? The need to turn to a community is great and support is crucial, but you have to be selective about where you seek the support so that you can protect the relationship with your son first. And relationships are hard and take a lot of work. When you feel lonely as a parent of teenage sons, try to remember to protect the relationship you have with him and focus on developing and nurturing that.
2-Seek a therapist or life coach.
I think everyone would benefit from having a guide or outside person who can support them on the parenting journey, especially with raising teenage sons. Not only can this person provide objective insight but they can help parents feel like they are not alone as they embrace the chao that comes with parenting. Depending on where you live, find a therapist or even a life coach who can be your support person. There is nothing wrong with asking for help and truthfully, we all need it.
3-Find community where you can.
My sons’ friends have really cool parents. Over the years we have commiserated over behavior problems in preschool or study struggles in elementary school. As our sons get older, though, exposure to their friends’ or teammates’ parents has lessened. There are no coordinated playdates or school productions. But there are Friday nights spent in the stands at a football game that can serve social needs for parents. As a parent, you don’t have to disclose every problem your son has but if you listen to and truly connect with other parents you can realize you are not alone in the parenting journey. Even if your time is spent complaining about something like the late baseball game, you know that there are other parents with you as well. That sense of community can help support you along the journey. Find it where you can.
4-Develop outside interests.
We tend to forget, as parents of teenage boys, that we need to have our own individual interests outside of our children. Personally, as one of my boys has left the nest for college and another is leaving in a few months, this is something I have been thinking about and working on as a lot of my interests, like watching sports, have developed from raising my boys. Between work and managing a household and managing my sons’ schedules and everything that goes along with all of that, it has been easy to neglect my own interests or push them off until later. But outside interests are crucial as we will not always be in the throes of parenting teenage boys and we are still individuals first. Find something YOU like to do and do that. Make the time for it. In doing so, you might actually meet others who can help combat the loneliness you are feeling right now.
5-Remember this phase will pass.
When my first born son was starting to walk, I remember lamenting to my own mom that he was moving out of the baby phase and into the toddler phase and how I was sad that the baby phase was over. She said to me, “Look, every phase of parenting is going to bring you joy but also struggle. So appreciate and enjoy every phase where you are. It will always keep changing.” This has stuck with me for 19 years because it is so true. When we reflect on parenting teenage boys, we need to acknowledge that they will not be teenagers forever. This 7 year stretch will carry them into adulthood and our parenting journey will never be over but this phase of the unique struggles parenting teenage boys will pass. At the end of this, we will hopefully have adults with whom we have a strong relationship that continues to flourish. So when you get bogged down in the weeds just try to stay calm and remember that the loneliness that you may feel parenting your own teenage son will pass.