Your son has made a mistake. A big one. Maybe he got detention for swearing at school. Or maybe he got arrested for underage drinking at a party. Frequently, when our teenage sons make mistakes that are big there are external consequences that bring it to our attention. A call from the school or the sheriff’s office is enough to scare you as a parent. So now you have to figure out what to do about your son. Do you help him escape consequences? Do you ignore it? Do you ground him for the rest of his life? As parents, we have routines and values that we try every day to impart on our children, but teenage boys often test the limits, which can result in making decisions that are provide a glimpse of someone who looks nothing like the son you are raising. We all make mistakes, they are a part of life. But what happens when this mistake upends the whole family and forces you to address some things you had not seen before? Hopefully there are no dire consequences, other than sleepless nights, anxiety-ridden days, and maybe some missed opportunities. You ultimately want your teenage sons to be kind and helpful and gracious and grow into wonderful, productive men. But right now, in the midst of teenage years and after a major mistake, what are we supposed to do?
1-Try to find the lesson in the challenge.
If you look at a problem objectively, you are bound to find a lesson. Now, this is MUCH easier said than done when it comes to our own children, especially some of the mistakes made by our teenage sons. But taking a step back and trying to find an overall lesson can help ease the struggle of the moment and give you some perspective, as a parent, that you can pass along to your son.
2-Seek out support for yourself.
When our teenage sons make mistakes, we tend to view the behavior as a reflection of our own poor parenting. Even though our son is the one who made the mistake, we, as parents, may feel ashamed or embarrassed. It is crucial for parents to find and nurture a support network, even if it consists of just one other person, so that they can talk to someone, express emotions, and seek advice. Maybe that support person is a spouse or maybe a therapist or a group of old friends. When a parent of teenage boys seeks support, it can be complicated by the need to also protect your son’s privacy and how he may be viewed by others. Finding the right support for you to help you guide your son can be a game changer.
3-Use the situation as an opportunity to connect with your son.
Depending on your own situation as a teenager, this might be a good time to connect with your teenage son and reveal something about your own challenges as a teenager. We have all done dumb things, and maybe until this point you have been reluctant to share your poor choices with your teenage son. But this might give you a chance to connect with him, share a mistake you made, and show him he will come out of this on the other side.
4- Seek out support for your son.
Make sure your son has the resources and tools to help him address any underlying problems leading to the behavior. Maybe he’s connected with a group of friends who are troublemakers. But maybe he is acting out because he wants attention from you or is trying to find his own identity. Help your son find the support he needs (a therapist, coach, trusted uncle) to navigate problems or feelings that might have led to the behavior. Whatever the underlying rationale, use this as your opportunity to help guide your teenage son to identify possible causes and locate the support he needs.
5-Remember that all teenage boys face challenges.
It can be easy to ignore turmoil our teenage sons are facing because often they don’t want to talk with us. Just because he’s quiet does not mean he is not feeling. Try to watch for difficulties before they escalate but if you are only alerted to a problem after consequences arise (like that call from the school or the sheriff’s office), cope with the problem and know that, yes, challenges are normal. You may think you are the only parent dealing with a son getting suspended or charged with a crime or in some other trouble but know that all teenage boys face challenges and we are all struggling with parenting to some degree at some point.