As adults, we know the importance of social support. We tend to nurture our own friendships, spending time sharing activities and conversations, joining our friends along life’s journey. The joy of deep friendships helps us connect to others and is, of course, something we want for our teenage sons. Let me preface this by saying that I love my sons’ friends. Somehow they have each ended up with close groups that are fun to be around. But I do know the stress of parenting and have worked with parents who have very real concerns about the friends of their sons.
Your teenage son starts spending time with another kid from school. You don’t know him but you’ve heard stories about this kid from other parents in the community and the rumors that this kid is trouble. Maybe smoking pot, maybe stealing from the convenience store, and you heard he has skipped school a few times. But for some reason, your son is drawn to him and they play video games together and hang out on Fridays after school. What should you do?
1- Resist the urge to tell him he cannot spend time with them.
Like most decisions in parenting teenage boys, it is important to think before you act. If you see your son spending more time with a teen you think is a bad influence, try to resist the urge to immediately restrict his ability to spend time with him. That is not to say you should not set expectations about behavior for your son, but if you immediately tell your son “no” then it is likely to have the opposite effect you were hoping for, and he’ll likely want to spend more time with this other teen.
2- Think about why he might be drawn to them.
If there is a new friend in your son’s life, how did he end up there? Is he giving your son attention when your son is lonely? Or are they involved in a shared activity? Have a class together? Maybe your son is feeling rejected by his current friends and looking for something new. If you think about why he is spending time with this teen, it might help your approach to talking to your son about him.
3- Encourage him to be involved in productive activities.
If you are worried about the influence of one teen on your son, be sure your son is pursuing his own interests and allow for time for him to do the things he enjoys. Be sure to plan family time together and keep him involved in productive activities, things he likes and things that are good for him.
4- Know that boys’ friendships may change over time.
It may be that your son spends a good amount of time with this new teen you do not approve of, but try to remember to loosen the reins a little bit and know that your son will likely have friends come and go throughout his middle school and high school years. Wherever your teen is, he will probably continue to undergo change and growth, including within his friend group, as he moves toward adulthood.
5- Hold your breath and hope he ditches the problem child.
Finally, your last resort is to just wait it out. Be the safe place for your teenage son when things seem out of control. But also remember you are the one raising him and set him up for the future and know that sometimes he will have friends you may not like but you have to start to trust him as an individual.