When our boys were little, people used to remark on the fact that they were being raised by two psychologists. We would laugh and say that either they would be well adjusted OR we would at least have enough connections that we would know how to get the help that they needed. When our sons were little it was easy to commiserate with other parents, our friends, about the trials and tribulations of tantrums, junk food, and behavior problems. But as they got older, their problems got bigger and we started to realize how isolating parenting can be. It can be hard to ask for help with your parenting questions when you really need it the most. It seems like all the parents at the baseball game want to share their son’s accomplishments. You smile, nod, and say “That’s great!” when really you are thinking about your own son and how he is struggling. You don’t want to share his struggles with the world, wanting to protect him and your family. But what is a parent to do when their teenage son is having a hard time and they don’t know where to turn? If you are a parent and have teenage boys, you have more resources than you might think.
1-His teachers
Once your son leaves elementary school, chances are that you have no idea who his teachers are. Gone are the days of teacher/parent conferences and boys typically have different teachers for each of their different subjects. Even though you may not know them, they are there and teachers can provide valuable insight into your son and his behavior. If you go out of your way to get in touch with one of your son’s teachers, chances are they know a lot more than you think about your boy. And they’ve likely seen a good bit over their years of teaching and can be a good resource if you need help or assistance. So reach out, send that email and get to know them. Frequently our sons’ teachers can identify specifics about their struggles that we may not see. Maybe he is failing a class because he is falling asleep every day or maybe he is trying to get attention by being the class clown. Get insight from your son’s teachers, who may have many more years of experience with teenage boys in the classroom, and ask for their suggestions.
2-His coach
Sports, music, chess club. If you have a teenage boy there is a good chance he is involved in an activity that has a coach or mentor of some kind. Reach out to another adult who spends time with your son and see if they’ve noticed his struggles. Coaches typically see numerous boys every year and can gauge where your son falls among those who have struggled. Maybe he is feeling the pressure of performing on a high level sports team even though he has anxiety. Or maybe he is realizing his skill and desire for performance level don’t yet match but he does not want to practice. Check with the coach who may have other connections or resources that could help you and your son.
3-His pediatrician
Most of us, as parents, take our sons to regular medical checkups, starting at birth. We go yearly to make sure our sons are developing normally. Once your son hits the teenage years you can use these well visits to discuss any concerns with his pediatrician who can give you guidance and direction. Even if it has been a while since you’ve seen his pediatrician, an appointment would give your son the opportunity to discuss his difficulties with a trusted adult and can offer you insight into further assessment or intervention. If his grades are sliding, or he’s not socially fitting in, or he’s arguing about every little thing at home, his pediatrician may have some thoughts about what is normal and what is not and can have suggestions on where to turn next.
4-A therapist for your son
If your son has a therapist, GREAT! Ask for some time in a session to express your concerns. Depending on the age of your son and the state you are in, the therapist may not be able to disclose much to you about what your son discusses in therapy but you can at least have your concerns heard by a neutral party. If your son doesn’t have a therapist, ask around and see if you can find referrals. Ask his pediatrician, look on Psychology Today, or listen out to see if your friends or parents of his friends mention anyone that might seem appropriate. In today’s world we are working to normalize the discussion around mental health so asking for therapist referrals is not taboo like it used to be. REMEMBER, though, it takes time to find a therapist that fits. Particularly for teenage boys, finding that connection might mean meeting with more than one therapist to find one that works. Don’t be discouraged if the first therapist he sees is a dud. He needs to be willing to participate and spend the time trying to establish a relationship (which is often much easier said than done). But a therapist can help your son work through his struggles and establish coping strategies to manage them.
5-A therapist or parent coach for YOU
Given the difficulties in forcing our teenage sons to act in a certain way or engage in any particular behavior (like participating in therapy…), sometimes an easier approach involves seeking help for ourselves. Remember that, no matter your situation, you do not have to parent alone. A therapist or parent coach can give you support and techniques to use to guide and enhance your relationship with your son. While a therapist for you will not work directly with your son, they can help you with YOUR emotions and experience with your son’s difficulties and give assistance and support as you go on your parenting journey. It also might be easier to protect your son’s privacy by seeking help for yourself along the way.
Hopefully this gives you some suggestions to enhance your support network as you parent teenage boys. Have thoughts about what you’d like to see in upcoming newsletters? Drop me a note and fill out this form.
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