What if my teenage son wants to quit an activity?

Questions to consider when your son comes to you and says, "I quit."

You’ve paid the fees, invested countless hours, snacks, and energy. Your son started playing soccer at age four and every spring/summer/fall since your life has revolved around soccer. Your son is on a path towards greatness with an activity that he’s been involved in since he was little. You love it as you’ve connected with other parents and learned more about the sport than you ever knew. You do everything you can to help him excel. He reaches middle school, starts developing other interests, and tells you one day he wants to quit. Screech. Wait, what? When I was a child, I played piano. Over the years, through elementary and middle school, I had several teachers who, along with my mom, instilled a love of classical music. But something happened around the 9^th grade. I grew tired of the practice and wanted to quit. My teacher at the time saw greatness but I just wanted to spend time studying and hanging out with my friends. So I told my parents I wanted to quit. Some tears later, they accepted my decision and here I am, over thirty years later, wishing I hadn’t quit. Isn’t that always the way it is? But when it comes to parenting teenage boys, including my own boys, what happens when your son tells you he wants to quit an activity? Some things, like school or family obligations, are non-negotiables. But when it comes to extracurricular activities, if he does not want to continue, and tells you so, what do you do? Before you panic, here are five questions to consider before you make a decision about how to respond when your son tells you he wants to quit an activity.

1-Why does he want to quit?

When your son approaches you about quitting an activity, you need to find out, in HIS words, why he wants to quit. Maybe he wants more free time or maybe he is not friends with anyone in the activity. Or maybe he thinks he is not good enough to continue performing or he does not want to practice. Maybe he is being pressured by a coach to quit all other activities to go all in on one. Look at this as an opportunity to communicate and find out what he thinks about his activities.

2-What have you invested?

None of us, as parents, want to truthfully do a reality check about how much money we’ve spent on any given activity over the years for our teenage sons. But if he comes to us and wants to quit an activity, sometimes it can help to have a realistic conversation with him about the current season and what has been invested. Maybe you’ve prepaid for guitar lessons through the spring. Despite wanting to quit, you can help your son find a way to make the most out of what you’ve invested and maximize those lessons you have paid for. Or maybe you signed him up for a computer programming class but he thinks it is too hard. Help him to look at what he is committed to and how he can honor or complete that and then move to other things. But also remember that this could be a lesson to teach your son that he can always change his mind and that is okay.

3-How will your family shift?

Our teenage sons have all played lacrosse, which involves practices and travels almost year round, depending on the team. I knew nothing about lacrosse until they started playing and over the years have learned to appreciate and love watching such a fast-paced fun sport. With team sports, there is usually a big family time commitment with games, practices, and discussion of the sport. So when your teenage son wants to quit the soccer team, consider not only how it will impact his schedule, but how it will impact the family as a whole. For example, it might free up time for your family to engage in other activities together, have some down time, or focus on individual endeavors. But it also might be a difficult transition as a family, moving away from an activity that has involved such a significant time and energy commitment.

4-What are your goals for him?

As parents, we tend to choose activities for our young sons based on our own interests and available options. When our sons move into teenage years, we start to see their future and fantasize about where he might end up. But it is also important to be realistic and recognize that YOUR goals for your teenage son might not align with HIS goals for himself. So think about what your own goals are for your son and his extracurricular activities and how can still  achieve similar goals if he quits the activity. Are you hoping for a college scholarship? Do you want to be sure he gets regular exercise? Or socializes with other kids? Or stay busy during the weekdays? The teenage years are a natural time of transition so your teenage son quitting an activity might mean you need to shift your own goals for him as well.

5-How will you standing firm impact your relationship with him?

Sometimes, as parents, we have to stand our ground and say no. In some circumstances, you may want to tell your son no, that he cannot quit. Maybe you decide that your family has invested too much in your teenage son’s activity that it does not make sense for him to quit. He needs to continue to take karate through his senior year or finish that language course sequence. Explain your rationale but you need to consider how saying no is going to impact your relationship. As with many parenting decisions, take some time, if you can, and think about your relationship with your son and what message you hope to send. Be secure in your decision as only you can decide what is best for your own family.