“Mom, I’m depressed.” Three words no parent wants to hear. And if they do, they may be caught off guard. Parents of teenagers I have worked with, especially teenage boys, have often remarked that they did not know something was wrong. While rates of depression may be higher in teenage girls than in teenage boys, there tends to be more focus on talking with girls in general which can help parents recognize early signs of depression. Boys, however, may be less likely to talk about their feelings, so when they do, it can be scary and surprising for a lot of parents. How you respond, as a parent, can help alleviate some of the fear your son may have about opening up. If a parent came to me and asked how they should respond to their son saying he was depressed, here are my five suggestions:
1) Really hear what he is saying.
It is difficult for us, as parents, to hear that our kids are hurting. We have a natural tendency to try to fix a problem for them or at least help them feel better. We learn, over time, to not overreact to every little thing. For cuts and scrapes, it is easy to clean it up and put on a band-aid. But when your son reaches out and says he feels depressed, it is important to stop and take a breath and really hear him, without minimizing his experience. He’s opened the dialogue so do what you can to keep it open.
2) Ask around for therapist referrals.
Talking about mental health is difficult for many. Talking about our kids’ mental health is especially difficult. You want to protect your son and not share all of his secrets, but being okay with asking for referrals can also help normalize mental health and reduce the stigma surrounding depression. How do you find a therapist though? One of the best ways is to ask your friends or those close to you. Ask your son’s pediatrician. Talk to a school counselor. When your son tells you he is depressed, finding a therapist who is a good fit for your son can give him support and perspective into his mental health.
3) Try to help him find the joy.
When people are depressed they tend to lose interest in activities that they previously enjoyed. For your son, particularly during the teenage years, it may be difficult to determine what brings him joy. Help him find something that makes HIM smile: a movie, skateboarding, video game, even inappropriate comedy. Even if YOU don’t understand it or appreciate it, something that seems fleeting and short-term can create a positive memory and give him a glimmer of happiness.
4) Get him moving and outside.
Exercise can be helpful for reducing symptoms of depression. Boys can benefit from moderate exercise to help them develop healthy coping and positive outlets for mood symptoms. If he does not like to exercise (or simply does not want to), then encourage him to spend some time outside. Being close to nature can help ease depressive symptoms and you could be there with him as well.
5) Let him know it’s okay to not be okay.
If we want to set our sons up for success later in life, they need to be prepared for difficulties along the way. It is important that we let them know there is nothing wrong with feeling down and nothing wrong with asking for help. Normalizing their experience can help make it easier for them to cope.
*I originally posted this on my Psychology Today blog in 2019, but am reposting here as I think it still applies and hope it can reach more parents of teenage boys*