When it comes to parenting, especially parenting teenage boys, much of the focus is on the difficult stuff. The problems, the chaos, the noise (or excruciating quiet). To be honest, that’s why I started writing- to give parents support and help through some of the challenges. In fact, as a psychologist, I am trained to focus on dysfunction, whether it is providing a diagnosis or treatment plan. We look for problems that need fixing and try to help others ease distress. During treatment, one of the first tenets we use when working with families with young children is “Catch them being good.” In other words, often parents come to therapy with their young child who is causing all sorts of problems with their behavior at home. As a means of shifting the focus, we try to help parents acknowledge the “good” behavior in order to notice the difference. Typically this works well with younger children, who are used to the scolding and the punishment by their parents and find the new, positive interactions enjoyable. When our sons become teenagers, though, the behaviors get bigger and potentially more problematic. It can be increasingly difficult to “catch them being good.” And while you might not find good in your teenage son during any given moment, you can find the good in your own parenting journey with teenage boys.
1) You’ll laugh.
Some days you may have to actively choose to laugh rather than cry, but there are funny moments in parenting teenage boys. We have laughed, a lot, either at or with our teenage sons. Sometimes it is the ridiculous things they do (like coming downstairs in a bathing suit and Hawaiian shirt for school when he has to take a test but then will go to a pool party celebrating upcoming graduation) but other times it is when we catch their wicked sense of humor.
2) You’ll learn new things.
When parenting teenage boys, you can’t help but be exposed to new topics or skills as they develop and deepen their own interests, regardless of how you think you are guiding or impacting them. Our own teenage boys, children of TWO psychologist parents with good liberal arts educations, are very into STEM subjects. Think of parenting teenage boys as an educational course. Get him to teach you about artists he likes or topics he is interested in. I’ve learned more about lacrosse, video games, and different styles of music as I parent my own teenage sons.
3) You’ll meet new people.
As you try to stay connected to your teenage son, show up to events, performances, and games when you can. Not only will you be supporting him, but you can also meet new people. We have made friends with parents of our teenage boy’s friends, whom we would not have met otherwise, after chatting in the stands of a game. It takes more effort as our boys move through adolescence but it gives you the opportunity to expand your own social network.
4) You’ll guide another human towards adulthood.
When you get overwhelmed with poor grades or behavior or attitude, remember that you are ultimately guiding another human being towards adulthood. How cool is that? As a parent, you are instrumental in the development of your teenage son. You are ushering your teenage son into the world so when things get really tough, take a step back, take a deep breath and focus on the big picture.
5) You’ll grow and change yourself.
Most of us parent in the moment, focusing on our teenage son and how he is growing and changing at that time. But this is your reminder that YOU will grow and change through the process. Take time to reflect on how you’ve changed and what steps you can take, for YOURSELF, to grow in a positive direction over the years of parenting your teenage son. It is easy to lose yourself in parenting, no matter what the age of your child. During the years of parenting teenage sons, remain focused on your own growth and development as a person. He will launch soon (yep, even a 14-year-old likely only has about 4 more years at home…) so use your time parenting him to also work on yourself because the time is short.
Re #2: As a mom, some of my most valuable learning has been learning how teen boys/young adult males experience the world.