When should I change the rules for my teenage son?
Families are different. We each approach parenting with our own history, experience, and expectations about the process and what we want for our children. Parenting is a learning curve on the best day and we learn as we go, setting boundaries when they are little and adapting the rules as they get older. By the time our sons are teenagers, they have at least some rules in place, whether it is related to screen time, curfew, language, driving, or free time. A lot of us, as parents, hang on tightly to those rules which gives us a sense of control during the turbulent teenage years. But the rules for a 13-year-old might not be the same for a 17-year-old. So when should you change the rules for your teenage son? Here are five questions to consider:
1-What are the other obligations he has?
When our sons each became teenagers, turning 13, their obligations involved school, sports, and a few household tasks. But moving through the teenage years has added obligations that need to be accounted for. Additional chores, more difficult course load, part-time jobs, and carpool duties were added as each of our sons got older. Are these taking up more time? If they are, you might want to think about relaxing some rules to free up time to complete changing obligations.
2-What are his friends doing?
I am NOT an advocate of allowing your son to do what the rest of his friends are doing just because. However, I think it is important to consider what are the rules that his friends have to follow. During adolescence, you, as a parent, are automatically pulling against his friends for time and energy so you have to consider what they are doing. If his friends are encouraging him to break rules then it is up to you as a parent to try to discourage going against what you truly value. But if your teenage son’s friends are allowed to stay out a little later or go somewhere you had previously prohibited, then you will be forced to address this with your son and perhaps make some rule changes.
3-How is he responding to the rules?
Think about your teenage son who is always home by his 10pm curfew. He is responsible and follows the rules but has a special dance coming up and has asked for a later curfew. You can give him a break and reward him for following the rules, making the time a little later. On the other hand, if you have a teenage son who seems to constantly test the limits, you might need to examine the rules you have in place and reinforce the ones you think are most important.
4-Can you explain your rationale?
As long as you can explain the change in the rules and he understands it, then it is okay. The best parenting approaches involve structure with communication and understanding. “Because I said so” does not work with teenagers, particularly with teenage sons. Any changes you make in family rules needs to rationalized and explained, in order to be useful.
5-What works best for your family?
Ultimately, the rules we make for our teenage sons should benefit our family as a whole. Because every family is different, only you can answer whether the rules you put in place are best for your teenage son. It can be easy to make rules as reactions to behaviors but try to be proactive and think about the impact of the rules on you, your teenage son, and your family as a whole and be willing to be flexible and make changes as needed.