Why am I so anxious raising my teenage son?

When my boys were little, I remember feeling anxious. Were they eating enough? Were they sleeping enough? Can we make it through one school year without the stomach bug and strep? Would they ever sleep through the night? Even though I am a child psychologist, I remember thinking the anxiety I felt would get better as they got older and matured, but of course I was wrong. It seems like the anxiety that comes with parenting changes, morphs, intensifies, eases, all throughout the lifespan. As caring parents, we worry if we are doing it wrong and what our sons will become. Much of what is discussed today focuses on the mental health of our sons and concerns about raising boys in this ever-changing world. And while it is crucial that we stay attuned to the mental health of our sons, we also need to focus on our own mental health. Parenting teenage boys can be so overwhelming that we may wonder, why am I so anxious raising my teenage son?

1) There are only a handful of years before he reaches adulthood.

When your son becomes a teenager, you can reflect and see how far he has come since those toddler years, but you can also see how there are only a handful of years before he (hopefully) spreads his wings and leaves the nest. Faced with time limitations, especially with people we love like our teenage sons, it is natural to become a bit anxious. We want to make the most of the time and don’t want it to end but we know that it is a part of life for our teenage sons to grow up and move out.

2) Many milestones that we remember and shape our adulthood happen in adolescence.

We all bring our own memories about our own lives to parenting. When we are raising teenage boys, we start to realize (and may experience anxiety as a result) that he will soon be driving, deepening friendships, having first romantic relationships, finishing high school, and then moving on to college or work and into the adult world. I admit that when my boys were little, the memories we tried to create were mainly for us as parents. But as they move into the teenage years, I start to realize our teenage sons are cataloging memories and I feel pressure as well as anxiety, as a parent, to make happy fun lasting memories for them. I want them to remember the times we spent together as a family so they can carry those memories into their adult lives.

3) As our teenage boys are growing and changing, so are we.

With change can come anxiety. Our job, as parents of teenage boys, continues to morph and change, sometimes even daily. The style of parenting that worked for you when your sons were younger might not work once they hit the teenage years. Figuring out your own style of parenting that works for any given problem or personality can be overwhelming, but we learn from our experience and we grow and change. Just as our teenage boys are moving through life, so are we. It is natural to experience anxiety as a parent while we are continuously trying to figure it all out.

4) We are raising unique individuals who are separate from ourselves.

By the time our sons enter adolescence we start to see their personalities emerge and may not recognize the person living in our house. During adolescence, our sons spend more time and are influenced by factors that are away from us. Seeing a unique individual with his own thoughts and opinions can produce anxiety in a parent because we have to realize that our teenage sons are separate from us.

5) The experience of anxiety in parenting teenage boys should be normalized but not overlooked.

Ultimately, we should talk more about the anxiety we feel at each stage of parenting so that it does not feel overwhelming. You do not have to share all of your personal details with others but disclose your anxiety to those close to you. Know that it is normal to feel anxious while we are raising children, especially teenage sons. If the anxiety becomes too much for you to handle, take action and seek help. But let’s remember that we are all navigating raising teenage boys the best we can.