Why does it feel so weird to talk to our teenage sons about sex?

Use difficult topics to enhance your relationship with your son

In parenting we know it is inevitable and part of the job to talk to our sons about difficult topics like sex. Some of us may dread the moment where we have “the talk” and fumble through it hoping that our sons at least picked up something useful. Even those of us who are trained to talk may have some struggles when it comes to our own sons. Difficulties talking about sex may stem from how our own parents talked to us about sex, trauma, our own sexual experiences, religious or cultural beliefs surrounding sex. As parents of teenage sons, we have to be intentional about those conversations and use our time with them wisely.

As one son is in college and one son is heading off next year, I had a thought provoking conversation with a dear friend about talking to our sons about consent, experience, and staying out of sticky situations. In pure academic form looking for guidance, I looked to books on my “must read” list and found Peggy Orenstein’s book, Boys & Sex. I had heard her on the On Boys podcast when her book came out, made some notes at the time knowing this would be a great resource, but had not yet read it so I knew now was the perfect time. It was an easy, but thought-provoking, read and provided some great guidance for parents of teenage boys. She interviewed over 100 young men between ages 16 and 21, and found they were quite willing to discuss with her, a relative stranger, the good, bad, and ugly of their sexual experiences and relationships. Many told her how they wished that their parents had talked to them more about sex and relationships.

As my own teenage sons move into adulthood, here are my take home points from Orenstein’s book that I think we could all use with our teenage sons:

1-The conversation about sex needs to happen more than once and over time.

You likely have the sex talk with your son around 5^th or 6^th grade, maybe earlier, typically based on biological, societal, or religious factors. We often think of the sex talk as something that covers the basics and talk about safety and expectations for what is age-appropriate behavior but then we are done. Not so fast! Orenstein emphasized that the conversations about sex are best to come from parents and to happen over the years, especially as they get older and obtain more freedom, such as moving out of the home to go to college. So don’t think of this as a one and done conversation.

2-YOU have to be the one to bring the topic up.

Your teenage son is going to want to talk to someone about his questions or concerns or confusion or experiences but as we know, with teenage boys, he is not likely to be the one to initiate the discussion. One of the topics Orenstein addresses is that our sons are willing to talk but are not skilled in bringing up awkward topics, like sex, with us. It is a misconception that our sons won’t talk. It is more that he does not know how to bring up difficult conversations, so that lies with us, the parents.

3-Be sure to discuss sex within the context of relationships.

We tend to talk to teenagers about sex but do not spend as much time talking about relationships. As Orenstein covers extensively in her book, sex occurs within the context of relationships and if we talk about one we have to talk about the other. Of note, recently, the Pew Research Center released data to suggest that 60% of men under the age of 30 are single. If that many young men are single, maybe they do not have guidance about establishing and maintaining relationships. I think, as parents, it is easier for us to focus on specifics when we talk to our teenage sons about sex: be safe, include consent, don’t make poor decisions. But we need to take a broader view and talk about sex within relationships with our sons and the importance of developing long-term relationships with others.

4-The focus on consent applies to guys too.

One of the biggest eye openers I found from reading her book is that Orenstein openly discusses the importance of consent, for BOTH young women AND young men. She interviews several guys who disclosed sexual experiences that did not involve consent on their part. Typically, and particularly in light of the #MeToo movement, the focus of consent is on making sure the female is willing and eager. It is important, though, for our sons to recognize, and acknowledge, that he needs to give consent for any and all sexual experiences in addition to ensuring a partner gives full consent as well.

5-Use the discussions as a chance to deepen your relationship with your teenage son.

Any opportunity to have a discussion with your teenage son is the chance to connect. One of my favorite quotes from Orenstein’s book on p. 221 is “So, rather than fixating on how discussing physical and emotional intimacy makes you-and your son-want to sink into the earth, consider the opportunity it creates for a closer relationship, to show him that you are genuinely there for him, to display openness, strength, and perseverance in the face of messy realities.” I strongly agree that even awkward conversations increase connection. While we may be reluctant to continue to discuss sex with our teenage sons, try to get past that and connect with your son as he navigates moving into adulthood.