Why does your teenage son need to hear you say you are proud of him?

In April 2020 I published the first version of this post on Psychology Today. As with much of the content regarding parenting teenage boys, it certainly still applies today so I thought I would update it and repost it for my Substack readers.

As we were watching tv as a family and peppering him with ridiculous questions just to playfully bother him, one of our teenage sons disclosed a conflict he was having with a friend. He did not have to tell us (we didn’t ask about that friend specifically), and he seems to be handling it well without being overly bothered by the conflict. But I pulled him aside the next morning and said, “I’m really proud of how you are handling this and that you chose to tell your dad and me about what was going on.” I doubted that my words had much of an impact on him at that moment but I knew that it was important to tell him I was proud of him.

As parents, it seems that much of the advice we give our teenagers is directive and all or nothing, based on how we adults think life should be lived. You should do this, not that. However, when it comes to parenting teenage boys, it is crucial to consider the rationale behind the specific words you use with your son. We have to think on the fly, not always anticipating obstacles that may occur or what we may say. And while most of the time parenting teenagers can feel like damage control, here’s why it is important find the times to tell our teenage sons that we are proud of them:

1) He is still not yet an adult, but he’s getting closer.

Although our parenting focus changes as our kids get older, we will continue to guide our sons into adulthood (and beyond). During the teenage years, our sons may physically look like adults but we need to remember that they are not yet adults. Sometimes we see this through his immature actions but it is necessary for him to receive feedback. How we speak to them is important so we should choose words carefully. Telling our teenage sons when we are proud of him will allow him to internalize the experience as he is developing an adult identity. We have the chance to make a lasting impact on his identity.

2) He needs you to focus on the positive.

When I have worked with parents in therapy who are having trouble with their child’s behavior one of the first tasks I have them work on is acknowledging their child’s good behavior. If we want to enlist change from our kids, we need to focus on what they CAN do. Teenage boys are no exception. He needs to hear the things he is doing right. Telling your son you are proud of him shows him what you think he is doing well, making it more likely that the behavior will continue.

3) Meaningful repetition is key to getting your message across.

Parents talking to teenage boys can often feel like a one-way conversation. Is he listening? It can be difficult to get feedback from your teenage son but sometimes we just have to say what we want to say and hope he hears us. If we want to be sure he gets the message that we are proud of him, then we need to find meaningful opportunities to say so over time. With appropriate and meaningful repetition, he just might finally get it.

4) Parent feedback is always important.

As our sons enter adolescence, we may be tempted to take a step back in our parenting feedback. Trying to wait and pick my battles is a common occurrence in my own parenting style as well as what I advise other parents. When it comes to what makes you proud of your teenage son, though, parent feedback is important to maintain connection with him and to share your own opinions with him as well. You will continue to give your son feedback throughout his life so there is no need to stop during adolescence.

5) He needs to learn to take pride in himself.

As a parent, we attempt to raise our kids with values. Telling your son you are proud of him shows him what behaviors are important to your family. The hope is that he will carry this information into adulthood and demonstrate pride in himself when he acts in a similar way in the future. When you tell him you are proud it gives your son an opportunity to internalize these words and develop pride in himself.

Have a topic you’d like to see addressed in future posts? Drop me an email or a DM and let me know (just no specifics- this is not a substitute for therapy!)