When I was working in private practice and seeing adolescent therapy clients, summer was usually relatively slow. Routines changed, school was out so demands were lessened, and parents often did what they needed to do for their families to make it through those relatively unstructured days. But once school started back, parents are reminded of behaviors in their teenage sons that are less than desirable. Referrals for evaluations or therapy picked up as parents started looking for answers. The fall brings a renewed focus on teenage boys’ behavior and how we, as parents, can best cope with, or just understand, moodiness.
The teenage years may include changes in behavior that are a shift from your easygoing, playful young son. Teenage boys may become more argumentative, talking back when asked to help out. Or he may slam doors when he comes in from school. Maybe he goes into his room and does not talk all afternoon. Before concluding that he has completely changed personality, it can be helpful to consider what could be behind moody behavior in teenage boys:
1- Maybe he is not sleeping enough.
Any time you notice a shift in your teenage son’s behavior, you should take a look at his sleep habits. It may seem obvious, but sleep habits are often overlooked as a potential impact on mood and behavior. If your teenage son seems moody or irritable, it is quite possible he is not getting enough sleep. Have an honest discussion with him about sleep and health and what his sleep habits are. Help him problem-solve to try to incorporate more (and better quality) sleep into his day, if needed.
2- Maybe he is worried about academic and/or social demands.
When your teenage son goes back to school, he has to adjust to new demands. Your 13-year-old may be wrapping up middle school while your 17-year-old may be nearing the end of high school. Regardless of his grade, the new academic and social demands of a starting school year may be reflected in moody behavior. We all cope with stress and change in various ways, and our teenage sons are no different. Try to observe his social life or school calendar and determine if he could be worried about reaching certain goals. Maybe he is worried about making friends in a new school or taking regular classes when all of his friends are in advanced classes. Even if he cannot openly discuss his concerns, try to understand that the worry might be underlying the moody behavior.
3- Maybe he is figuring out how to communicate his needs.
We know that teenage boys may not be as verbal in their communication as we parents would like. But that does not mean he is not communicating. Behavior can communicate just as much as words. So if you observe what looks like moodiness, it could be that your teenage son is trying to communicate his needs with you in the only way he knows how. If he gives brief, curt responses to an innocuous question (like, “What should we order for dinner?”) then try to focus on modeling appropriate communication for him. Try not to match his level of emotional response but clearly and calmly communicate so he can learn by watching you.
4- Maybe he is struggling with change and maturing.
In general, adolescence can be a turbulent time for many families. Your teenage son is constantly growing, changing, and maturing. As you watch him grow, remember that he may be struggling to adjust to the changes happening within and around him. He may not even recognize that he is moody, so try to provide a little bit of understanding when he acts so. It could be that he is overwhelmed by the internal hormonal changes and trying to handle maturation and development as best he can.
5- Maybe it is normal but maybe he needs help.
Any time you notice your teenage son acting out or appearing moody, take it as a chance to look at the moment within the context of how he is doing in general. If he seems moody, maybe it is normal. Is there something going on around him that could warrant moody behavior? Does he seem fine with his friends and at school but only moody late in the day at home? It could be normal coping. But then again, it also could indicate a need for assistance. Is it a sudden shift in behavior with no explanation? If it is extreme (is he breaking things? Insulting you? Threatening violent behavior?) then he might need some intervention with a therapist. Is he moody with teachers and you and others around him? Consider the possibilities but know that therapy could help.