Why isn't he listening?

Helping your teenage sons listen by listening

Preparing breakfast on a typical morning before school I try to lay out the afternoon schedule with sports and after school events. As I look to my teens they offer “uh-huh” and continue eating. That only had to happen once before I realized that no, they were not in fact listening. As a therapist, much of my time in graduate school was spent learning how to listen and how to demonstrate listening. In our practice, therapists must show clients we hear them because who wants to open up to someone who isn’t listening? In raising teenage boys, I grow increasingly concerned that we do not live in a listening culture. Everyone wants to express their own opinions but people tend to have difficulty listening to others and truly hear their point of view. As my own teenage boys get older and start to enter adulthood I want them to have the skills they need to listen to others, whether it be friends, partners, teachers, even occasionally their parents. Here are my five tips for how we, as parents, can help our teenage sons develop listening skills:

1. Show your teens how to actively listen by doing it yourself.

If we want our teenagers to listen, we need to show them we are, in fact, listening to them. Simply telling boys to listen is likely to backfire. Try saying “Listen to me” and see what kind of response you get. We have to step up as parents and listen when our boys talk to us. Stepping away from any distractions and focusing on what your son is trying to communicate will benefit them by showing them what listening looks like, since they may not receive it from others around them. Specific listening techniques, like reflection, can demonstrate an active way to be sure you really hear what your son is saying. Follow what your son says, ask questions, and reflect back what you hear him saying to be sure you are on the same track.

2. Try to figure out what matters to your teen and focus on that.

When we listen to our teenage sons, we can inadvertently shift the conversation to something unimportant if we focus on some extra detail that he does not think is part of his message. He may be trying to convey a difficult emotion, like hurt or disappointment, and we need to hear what he is saying, even if it surprises us, without minimizing it. Telling you that he had a fight with a girlfriend that you did not know he had could become a different conversation if you stop and ask questions about the girlfriend rather than addressing his emotions about the fight. Try to stay focused on the moment and let those questions come later. When your son feels safe opening up, he is much more likely to talk to you in the future, giving you more opportunity to listen and connect and learn more about him.

3. Listening does not mean you have to accept someone else’s point of view.

A hard lesson to learn as a parent is that our teenagers can listen to us but not necessarily agree with us. When it is an issue of safety and enforcing our family values, listening to us is non-negotiable. Most of our talking, though, likely involves smaller life lessons we want to teach our kids along the way as we guide them into adulthood. We have hopes and dreams for our kids and want to share our own values with them. When we talk to our sons, some of what we say may be met with eye rolling. But it could simply be that, as they go through adolescence, they are developing their own minds and may not agree wholeheartedly with what you want to teach them. Be okay with allowing your son to hear you but also develop his own ideas. Because it is likely they are incorporating your lessons.

4. Model to your teens that it is okay to be quiet.

Awkward silence can be troubling for people. One of the specific skills grad school helped me develop was the ability to be okay with not having to fill empty space with talking. It has served me well on numerous occasions (like asking a question no one wants to answer so you wait until someone responds). When we are quiet we can pay attention to the surroundings and process what is happening. I have also found that teenage boys struggle with expressing emotions and may not be able to put them into words. I have sat in silence with teenage clients, particularly males, as well as with my own sons, to let them know I am with them and know they are struggling. Sometimes there is nothing to say and you have to just be with them. Demonstrate to your sons that in this world of noise, silence is okay.

5. Keep lines of communication open by sharing experiences.

Life is about connection and if we want our teenage sons to listen, ultimately we need to find a way connect with them. Think about your own teenage experience and share some experiences with your son, even if he thinks you are an old fogey (which he will). It fosters a connection and helps him see you as an actual person (which you are). Try to find ways to laugh with your son and have fun. Spend some time together, even just a few minutes chatting about a movie or video game. Remember the big picture when it comes to listening and focus on nurturing your relationship with your teenage son. Even if it does not always seem like it, chances are, he is listening.

A version of this post was previously posted to my blog at Psychology Today