Why should we appreciate our teenage son's friends?
Seeing the positive in his peer relationships
Back in November, I wrote a newsletter discussing what if you don’t like your son’s friends but today I want to flip it around. While you cannot choose friends for your son, you can choose to see the positive aspects of your teenage son’s friendships. Frequently, who your son chooses to befriends can give you glimpses into his own thoughts, feelings, and personality so it is worthwhile to recognize the benefits of friendships for your teenage son. Teenage boys may struggle to find good friends but they also may have friendships that you, as a parent, don’t fully understand. Research shows that in early adolescence boys tend to place higher value on recreation and enjoyment with their friendships compared to girls. So your teenage son will likely be drawn to others who share their interests. As we guide our sons through adolescence we need to be sure to see the positive aspects and there are several reasons to appreciate his friendships:
1-They can show each other the beauty in life.
The other day our family was sitting around, eating dinner but also watching tv. Our middle son, the oldest at home, got up and went to the back porch. After a minute, he came back in and we asked if he had looked at the moon. It was incredibly vibrant that evening and my husband and I had already seen it and remarked on it before dinner. Yes, he said, as one of his buddies had asked the group chat, “Anyone checked out the moon tonight? Go look.” The thought that these 18 year old boys were texting each other about looking at the moon, and them responding appropriately, made me happy. Of course as parents we try to share the beauty in the world with our sons but it is impactful when our sons share it with each other.
2-They can celebrate each other’s accomplishments.
We all need cheerleaders in our corner who can help recognize and celebrate our accomplishments. My sons have cheered their friends through championship soccer games and have celebrated college acceptances, simply for the joy of being involved in their experiences. I think we need to encourage our teenage sons to celebrate life’s triumphs as much as we try to acknowledge and support through the dark times. While we, as parents, can be involved in the celebration as well, it is wonderful for our sons to have friends who can celebrate them.
3-They develop a shared history and experience.
Even if they end up going separate ways from their friends, how wonderful to have people in their lives who have shared experiences. As my own sons have gotten older and moved through high school, they have each drifted away from some friends they had when they were younger. But as they get older, it has been fun to watch them reconnect at times and reminisce about that certain school event or game they had in common, even if they are not currently close friends. It can be an important reminder for our sons to appreciate friendships and the experiences they provide and know that they can change throughout life, which is okay.
4-They learn about relationships.
Friendships among teenage boys, even the ones that cause some trouble, teach them about all aspects of relationships. He is learning how to communicate and how to distance himself from those he does not want to spend time with while directing his attention to those with whom he does want to spend time. He is learning how to give and take within friendships which provides the foundation for adult relationships.
5-Friendship among teenage boys teaches us about our own sons.
It is useful to step back from our own teenage sons and watch as an observer, rather than trying to control their lives. Although it can be difficult, there is a lot to see if we simply watch our sons and their friends. What he’s interested in, how he handles conflict, what he talks about- these are all parts of our teenage sons that we can see if we observe him with his friends. Appreciating the blessings of friendships for our teenage sons and seeing the good in those friendships can show us the good in our sons as well.
My sons' dirt bike friends -- the whole group of guys who enjoy dirt biking -- are a great crew. It's the shared interest that draws them together, but it becomes more than that. (And b/c these guys ride & race dirt bikes, injuries are nearly inevitable, so they've all learned a lot of giving & receiving support at pretty young ages)
It was reassuring to read this. I worry about the toxic masculinity I see creeping into my son's friendship groups as they get older. It's good to be reminded that there are positive things about their friendships too. Nothing is all good or all bad.