Why should we celebrate our teenage son's accomplishments?
No matter how trying your teenage son is, look for successes and celebrate those.
We expect our teenage sons to perform well. Whether they are playing sports or taking a test or making music, we expect them to take the task seriously, put forth their best effort, and succeed. If they do not do well then we use that as a learning opportunity, talking about what went wrong, how they can improve, and what the future will hold. Maybe there is a punishment involved if we know he is not taking the task seriously. He fails a test and you ask him if he did not study or if he did not understand the material. You know he has the consequence of the bad grade that he now has to work even harder to overcome. He misses a potentially-game-winning shot in a basketball playoff and you ask him to analyze what went wrong. All of this questioning and exploring about failures is normal, once our sons get some distance from the event, to help him perform in the future. While a lot of parenting is focused on helping him avoid failure, and a lot of discussion around parenting is about handling failure, we need to remember there are also successes in our teenage sons’ lives. There are times when it seems like your teenage son is doing everything wrong. But finding successes to celebrate can be just as impactful as monitoring the failures. Maybe your son is having a birthday, or got into college, or just survived another semester of high school. Finding accomplishments to celebrate in your son’s life can help in the following ways:
1-It can strengthen your relationship.
Gable (2004) described four styles of responding to good news, with active-constructive involving an enthusiastic positive response to good news which serves to enhance relationships. Your relationship with your teenage son can benefit when you respond accordingly to even a small success or piece of good news in his life. Keep that communication open so that you find out about the good things that happen in his life.
2-It can guide him, and you, to focus on the positive.
Much has been written about gratitude and what we pay attention to in our lives and how it affects us. If you celebrate your son’s accomplishments, it can teach him to find moments of success in even the most trying times. We want our sons to move into adulthood able to see the positive sides of life and appreciate their successes.
3-It can provide a break from correction.
Look, when we are parenting teenage sons, a lot of it can seem overwhelming and a constant series of corrections of negative behavior. Often, as parents, we become exhausted with the every day battles with our sons to go to school, to do chores, to participate in family life, to have a good attitude. Finding an accomplishment to celebrate can give us a break and a moment to exhale.
4-Remember it is about him, not you.
While we may want to take credit for our sons’ accomplishments, because of our excellent parenting skills, we need to remember that it is HIS accomplishment. You didn’t make the honor roll, he did. So when you want to rush and put the information out on your facebook page or Instagram, do NOT do so without specific explicit approval from your son. When he gets into his dream school, celebrate along with him but let him guide how the information is sent out to others in his world. Celebrate with him for his success but, as a parent, resist the urge to focus on yourself. Be proud of your son. In parenting, we want to be careful to not internalize his failures so we need to separate ourselves from his accomplishments and allow him to have this moment.
5-It is fun.
Finally, simply put, celebrating is fun! Have a party! As your teenage son moves through life with you, finding ways to celebrate his accomplishments can be fun for you and for him. Have that special meal. Buy the balloons. Dance around the house to your favorite music. Look for an accomplishment from your teenage son and celebrate them.