Why therapy might not fix your relationship with your teenage son

As a psychologist, I am a huge advocate for therapy. Most adults (between 50-70%) who participate in therapy report improvement, and we seem to be entering a time where adults are more willing to talk openly about their therapy experiences with friends and family. In this age of therapy and self-improvement, it can seem natural to want to seek out therapy when you worry about your relationship with your teenage son. And while therapy can do wonders for certain aspects of mental health, there are limitations. When I was an active therapist, I would frequently have parents bring their children in and during the initial session say, “I need you to fix him.” Of course I would have to immediately explain that this is not how therapy works. In a similar vein, it might seem natural to take your teenage son, with whom you are having conflict, and march in to therapy saying, “I need you to fix our relationship.” A recent study out of Australia https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0005796723001560 seems to indicate that using well intentioned therapeutic techniques (that have been shown effective in adults) with adolescents may, in fact, actually worsen their mental health. When I first read the study I started thinking about the applicability of therapy for everything and how, in some cases, therapy may not work and may make things worse. Don’t get me wrong: I am AN ADVOCATE FOR THERAPY. Even therapy for parents and their teenagers. However, it needs to be acknowledged that therapy has limits. If therapy is supposed to be so wonderful for all, then why may it not fix your relationship with your teenage son?

1) Therapy tends to treat disorders.

In the current medical model, therapy focuses on treating specific disorders, such as depression, anxiety, or OCD. It works by examining the roots of the disorder and using specific techniques to change the way we think, feel, and behave. The techniques are developed to improve functioning based on symptoms. While family therapy, typically the type of therapy sought to improve a relationship, does not focus just on individuals but rather the family system as a whole, there still tends to be an identified patient who might be the focus. The goal of therapy in this situation is more complicated by addresses the function of the family unit as a whole. Many parents may be looking to improve their relationships with their teenage sons, whose functioning does not indicate specific symptoms of a disorder, and may want general improvement.

2) Parent/child relationships tend to naturally morph and change over time.

When we get caught up in the stress of parenting our teenage sons it can be easy to think that this strained relationship will carry into adulthood and last forever. None of us wants to project into the future and envision our sons as adults with whom we don’t have close relationships. So we try to fix problems (which can be quite abundant during the teenage years) immediately when they arise in order to fix the relationship, and may be eager to take our sons to therapy when it might be okay to step back and let a little time pass to see if change occurs. During the potentially tumultuous teenage years, remember that your son used to rely on you to pick him up when he didn’t want to walk and just because he is pushing you away right now, this will likely not always be the case. Your relationship with your teenage son now may not directly reflect your relationship with your adult son later.

3) Your teenage son is not your friend or your partner.

As a psychologist and a mom I think parents’ relationships with their teenage sons are important. Parents need to nurture those relationships and put in effort to develop them. BUT we, as parents, need to remember that our teenage sons are not our friends and it is okay if he does not confide in you or seems removed. It is normal for him to resist some rules and regulations. If you find that your relationship with him is strained, try to remember that to some degree the relationship is supposed to be. He is not your friend and he is not your partner, so don’t expect the same dynamics.

4) Your teenage son is a separate developing human.

It can be natural to take pride in our teenage son’s successes and feel responsible for his failures. During the teenage years, though, it is important to take a step back from your son and recognize that he is an individual. He is learning and growing and moving towards adulthood. Remember that his brain will not be fully developed until his mid-20s. As a parent, you have influence and you want to keep lines of communication open, but try to focus on his separate-ness from you. You can suggest therapy to your teenage son, recognizing that it may help him but the goal is not to fix your relationship with him. Maybe you see skills that he needs to develop in order to become a fully functioning adult and a therapist can help provide objectivity for that, but provide him with that resource for himself.

5) Find support for yourself.

If you are worried about your relationship with your teenage son, be sure to seek support and work on yourself first. As parents, our job will never end though the specific demands will. Be sure you are addressing your own individual needs and communication patterns in general to help ensure the best relationship possible, now and in the future. View your investment in yourself as investing in your relationship with your teenage son.