How can I help my teenage son think about the future?

A discussion of future orientation in teenage boys

I came across an article this week about smoking in teenage boys impacting the DNA of their future children. ¹ While I initially thought this would be helpful evidence to curb smoking in teenage boys, I then started to think about how little time teenage boys likely think about DNA of their future unborn children. As parents, we want our teenage sons to think about their future in order to make better decisions today that will set them up for success. In fact, the concept of “future orientation” in the developmental psychology literature has been linked with more positive outcomes, including lower levels of violence ² and overall better health ³. This future orientation involves an ability to envision a future self across various aspects of identity, such as “educational goals, family characteristics, career aspirations, health status, and life benchmarks (e.g., buying a house).” (ibid.) Research has described the concept of future orientation, including the fact that boys tend to be future oriented towards career goals and girls tend to be future oriented towards family goals, but there does not appear to be a clear path towards promoting a future orientation in adolescence. Just that it is important to healthy development. If we want our teenage sons to think about the future, how can we encourage our teenage sons to orient towards the future without creating anxiety about the unknown or overwhelm with the vast potential options that exist?

1- Model future orientation for your teenage sons.

Having just launched two teenage boys to college, I realize how easy it is to stay focused in the moment when we parent our children, particularly teenage sons. We live day to day and try to figure out what is for dinner. After our first son left for college, I wanted to soak up every moment of teenage son #2 in the house before he left. I worked to stay present, not thinking about the future, and enjoying each and every day. But the future still, if we are lucky, arrives. So what if we shift and talk to our teenage sons about OUR visions for OUR own future? What if we model future orientation for them and show them how to think about the future? Have conversations about plans for the future, whether it is for the weekend, next summer, five years from now, or ten years down the road.

2- Maintain a close relationship with your teenage son.

Positive outcomes for your teenage son can be largely dependent on a close relationship between him and his caregivers. Anything you can do to maintain a close relationship with your teenage son will help him in the future and give him the opportunity, and freedom, to envision his future and develop a future orientation. So focus on the day-to-day things you can do to maintain a strong relationship with your teenage son.

3- Resist the urge to discount his dreams.

When one of our sons was in the 9^th grade, he announced that he wanted to get a vacation house in Hilton Head. Um, okay? Having never been to Hilton Head, I was a little confused by his plan for the future but I also tried to not completely discount it. “Sure,” I said and we started pulling up Hilton Head real estate on the computer. Once he saw the listing prices of some of the houses, he realized he would need an extremely substantial income to afford a house, or even a second house, but he stood firm that it would be in his future. So I kept quiet and supported him, realizing it was his dream for his future and I could not minimize what he wanted. Granted, I don’t really know if this is still a part of his future dream, but I remember thinking it is HIS dream future. Maybe a part of this has motivated him to excel and thrive. As a parent, we have to be careful to not discount our teenage sons’ dreams.

4- Encourage realistic exploration.

Your teenage son will likely struggle with orienting towards the future if he does not have the ability to picture a future. Talk about options with him, expose him to different ideas within the context of reality. We want our teenage sons to aim high but it is also important to do so within the confines of reality. For example, if there is no money for your son to go to college, he will need to work to get scholarships, perhaps narrowing his options, and might want to explore other post-high school options. Help him focus the exploration towards his strengths and help him consider facets of life other than career that he may want to explore. Remember that, as parents of teenage boys, our job is, in large part, to be a guide, but be sure you are also rooted in reality.

5- Give it time.

Look, the teenage years are technically 13-19 years old. During those years, there is a lot of change and development and growth. If your teenage son is not future oriented, give it time. Maybe there is something blocking his future orientation, like anxiety or depression, but maybe there is something keeping him very present, like the fun he is having with his friends. You cannot force, but can only encourage, future orientation so try to step back and wait. Be patient and try some of the other ideas to guide him, but wait and give it time.

1. https://medicalxpress.com/news/2023-08-boys-early-teens-epigenetic-traits.html

2. Am J Community Psychol. 2011 December ; 48(3-4): 238–246. doi:10.1007/s10464-010-9383-0

3. Int J Adolesc Med Health. 2014 ; 26(4): 459–468. doi:10.1515/ijamh-2013-0333