Early in the school year, one of our highschoolers came home and told us his English teacher announced, in front of other students, that he was not a good writer. As a parent and a psychologist, I was irate! First, how dare she tell MY son that he was a bad writer? She’s an English teacher, isn’t that her job, to make him a good writer? Second, if she wants to motivate a student to improve, insulting his ability is not going to work. Should I pass along research on motivation and what works and what doesn’t, particularly with teenage boys? Immediately after receiving this news, I drafted an email to the teacher and the principal decrying her behavior and admonishing her teaching approach. But before I sent it I decided to wait.
It is important for all of us to parent in community. We need other adults around us to help in the parenting journey, whether it is changing diapers when they are babies or helping with carpool to different activities in elementary school. When our sons become teenagers, it can be more difficult, and yet still very important, to share the influence with other adults. We rely on teachers, coaches, family members, or other adults to help us provide the best for our teenage sons. Over the years of parenting teenage boys, we tend to resolve conflict with other adults by simply referring to OUR role as the PARENT, noting that we know what is best. But before we jump into conflict by simply putting our foot down and telling off other adults, we need to remember some key points before resolving conflict with other adults in our teenage son’s life:
1) Remember your teenage son is watching.
He will see you and notice how you interact with others. You want to send consistent messages about how you interact with others and how you want him to act. You are modeling for your son how to handle conflict, so behave accordingly. When it came to our son’s English teacher, he knew we were upset, but in the waiting, I realized he was also watching to see how we would react. Did I want him to approach every problematic interaction with a fiery complaint email? So before you jump in and lash out, think about what you want your teenage son to see.
2) Remember to pick your battles.
In parenting teenage boys, it is important to learn we must pick our battles. Just as we learn to shut his bedroom door if we don’t want to see the mess, we need to have the same approach to the other adults in his life. Some conflicts are too big to ignore but others can be overlooked in order to minimize conflict. Ultimately, I deleted the email draft I had created to send to the principal and the teacher. Our son knew he was a pretty good writer who could, in fact, improve and we talked numerous times over the course of the school year about proving her wrong. I realized that complaining to the principal and the teacher about what was said would not do anything to resolve the situation or even change her behavior in the future, and might penalize him further once the teacher heard from me, so I decided to let it go. (Spoiler alert: he ended up doing really well in the class and appeared to turn around her opinion of his writing on his own.)
3) Remember to protect your teenage son.
As a parent, we want to protect our children. All the big decisions we make and things we do are to protect our sons. We make sure they have healthy food, sleep, good study habits, and what they need to thrive. But the little things, and how WE interact with and resolve conflict with others, need to protect our teenage sons as well. I don’t mean protection to imply that we keep them in a bubble, but if it involves our teenage son, we need to protect him when we approach conflict. I want my teenage sons to know that I will stick up for them and advocate them and will not allow them to be subjected to abuse. Sometimes that means an uncomfortable conversation/confrontation with another adult, like a coach or a grandparent, who is inflicting what is abusive, but our teenage sons still need our protection from dangerous situations.
4) Remember that what seems big now will be much smaller in the future.
Perspective changes with time. Events that seem really important in the moment will likely be diminished as time moves on. So when you approach conflict with other adults regarding events that seem really important in the moment, remember that it may not have as much meaning years down the line. Is it worth it for you to take action when it might not make much of a difference or may resolve itself as time goes on?
5) Remember to separate your own conflict from your teenage son’s.
As our sons become teenagers, we know that they have their own opinions. Just because he has a conflict with an adult in his life does not mean you have to take on that conflict as well. In two parent families, if the teenage son has a conflict with one parent, it should not necessarily turn into a conflict between the two parents as well. Choose opportunities to allow your teenage son to handle his own conflict, if you think it is something that needs to be addressed, and try not to take it on as your own.
This is so wonderful. I'm not quite there yet in terms of age, but I feel like there's so much here that is still important and relevant. Thank you
I'm writing about this in regards to coaches in the sports chapter of our book right now - and boy-oh-boy is it a hot topic. I remember struggling with this so deeply with my oldest son as he went through high school. It is one of the narrowest lines to walk. I've tried to frame it as empowering and modeling. When am I modeling for my child that they deserve better than abuse/maltreatment (and that they deserve being advocated for) and when am I solving all their problems for them, which actually disempowers them?