What if my teenage son does not want to go to prom?

How to mark special occasions when your son is resistant to attend

Teenage boys tend to outgrow the birthday parties that marked their childhood but that does not mean they don’t want to recognize the milestones that continue throughout adolescence. From birthdays to graduations, the teenage years offer numerous opportunities to mark accomplishments for boys and their movement through adolescence. As high school comes to an end, for example, students are presented with opportunities for celebrate the milestone with certain rituals. Proms, graduation ceremonies, and parties fill the time of many high school seniors as they are also trying to wrap up academic pursuits and figure out what happens next in life. Anecdotally, girls seem to be more invested and interested in these events than boys and are likely more involved in the excitement leading up to the rituals, as well as the planning and implementation. Parents are also often eager to share in the process of organizing, paying for, and attending celebrations. Although teenage boys might be viewed as reluctant participants and not interested in such celebrations, they do tend to participate as much as girls. The specific activities tend to vary by school and culture and family situation, but most parents want their sons to have the best time possible when wrapping up high school and encourage them to do all of the celebrating while following the rules and family expectations. So what happens when your teenage son tells you he does not want to go to prom or be honored at the graduation party? Before panicking or demanding your son go, it is important to take a deep breath and remember the following:

1-Choose to focus on the positive.

Here’s the harsh reality- proms and graduation parties are expensive. Money.com noted that families can spend upwards of $1000 on prom alone. If your teenage son chooses not to go, look at it not as a missed opportunity, but rather money saved. Use that money to do something meaningful. You should also consider the fact that your son is choosing to make his own decisions. Choosing not to attend a prom may likely be going against the norm of his school or social group, so be glad your son is making his own individual decisions.

2-Help your son put the celebration in perspective.

When teenagers graduate from high school, it is often a time for families to come together and celebrate. You may have organized a graduation party for your son, but helping him understand that he won’t have to get up and make a speech or have people stand in a circle around him and sing can help him realize that sometimes parties are simply an excuse to get together with loved ones. Putting things in perspective for your son can nudge his participation in a family celebration in a way that does not feel overwhelming.

3-Your son will have plenty of memories from high school.

As parents, we have our own memories from high school which may, or may not, include milestone occasions. When your son tells you he does not want to participate in an activity, whether it is prom or a graduation party or a senior day, remember that these are not the only experiences that potentially make up his high school memories. The focus needs to be on his connection at this time in his life, with his family, friends, and his community. If school has been a struggle for him, or he is bullied at school, just know that the positive happy memories don’t have to come from these specific prearranged occasions. He will have plenty of memories from this time in his life so don’t worry if he misses an event. Having Friday night pizza nights laughing with the family might be the memory that resonates with him into adulthood when he thinks about high school.

4-His milestone celebrations are not your milestone celebrations.

In general, when considering activities for our teenage sons, parents have to put aside our own expectations and experiences and start to see the developing young adult for who he is. Let him celebrate the milestone in his own way. Communicate with him about what you would like to do but also listen to what he wants to do. But that does not mean you can’t recognize it at all. Make a cake, go on a family hike, take a trip to the beach. You also can have a celebration on your own, with your partner or your parent friends. Enjoy this time in your teenage son’s life.

5-Look at his overall functioning.

If he is declining an activity or celebration because he is depressed, that is one thing. But if he is declining because he has other plans or a lack of interest in what has been planned, that is another. If your son does not want to go to prom or participate in graduation exercises, spend some time talking about why he is not interested. Maybe he is worried about alcohol. Maybe he does not feel like he fits in with the group involved, or any group. Use the opportunity to listen to who he is becoming and why he might not want to go but ultimately, for the sake of your relationship with your son, it is best to support his decision. If you see the decision as coming from a healthy place, be glad that he is comfortable with being who he is.