What should we focus on regarding social media and our teenage sons?

Much of the discussion in the news about what ails teenagers these days focuses on social media. Banning smartphones in schools in an attempt to keep teenagers off of social media has become the norm. At least 25 states have legislation banning cellphones in schools, with more likely to follow. However, it should be noted that there is not much research foundation for benefits of these bans. Sure, when kids are not on their phones they can’t be on social media. But banning phones doesn’t seem to do much in terms of providing tangible benefits. At our home, we have tried to help our teenage sons build a healthy relationship to social media. They use apps to stay connected to their friends, and they watch a lot of sports content on social media. I often say that video games got my boys through the lockdown as it was their primary means of staying connected to their friends. I wonder if the school phone bans are happening in large part because we, as adults, feel like we need to do SOMETHING to help our teenagers succeed. One study seems to show that, in reality, those of us who are Gen X (born between 1965 and 1980) are more likely to experience negative effects from social media. (In full disclosure, I can’t find the actual data or research writeup other than this news release, so I’m not sure how valid this is, but it does give something to think about.) In the turmoil of raising teenage boys, maybe we, as adults, are the ones worried about social media and cellphone use ourselves, so we then worry about it for them as well. In large part, parenting involves projecting our own values, as well as our issues and how we cope with them, onto our children. While we are inundated with all the negativity and scary stories surrounding social media and cell phones, on what, with regard to our teenage sons, should we really be focused?

1) The big picture

In raising teenage boys, we want to set them up with skills they will need to succeed in the real world. None of us parents were raised with cell phones and social media, so of course we are learning as we go. We, like our sons, are learning as we go. Think about his adulthood and decision-making and use that to guide any discussions or interventions regarding social media and cell phone limits.

2) Your own use of social media and cell phones

Before we try to fix what we think is broken in our teenage sons, it is imperative that we, as parents, take a look in the mirror first. That is not to say that there is no problematic social media or cell phone use in teenage boys. However, we must be honest about our own usage and what we are modeling for our teenage sons first. Try to reduce your own usage and talk to your teenage son about what you are doing. He may likely follow suit.

3) Real life experiences

As much as you can, encourage your teenage son to interact with others in person. Some teenage boys may have anxiety that interferes or do not want to have to make plans, but do what you can to promote in-person interactions for your teenage son. Allow him a little freedom to go out and be with his friends in person. Spend time as a family engaging in activities. Spend time with your own friends in person and model in person activities.

4) Talking, not texting

Our teenage sons need to move into adulthood able to have conversations. If you are worried about his cell phone and social media use, have a conversation. Our own teenage boys have been raised in a household of two psychologist parents. We ask a lot of questions and talk about how they are feeling. I know this may be uncomfortable for some parents, especially with teenage boys who may not be the most receptive to talking. If you need some guidance, pre-order a great book that will come out in September, called Talk To Your Boys: 16 Conversations to Help Tweens and Teens Grow Into Confident, Caring Young Men. Written by Joanna Schroeder and Christopher Pepper, this book should be required reading for all boy parents who may struggle with bringing up topics to their boys but also know the value in connection.

5) Process, not outcome

As parents of teenage boys, take a breath and remember we are learning along the way. We are adjusting our own relationship with technology as we are trying to instill good judgment in our sons. Keep in mind that what seems huge today will likely appear as only a blip in the future. Parenting teenage boys is a process. So stay focused on learning and teaching as you guide him through these teenage years. And try to enjoy the process along the way.